Category Archives: Uncategorized

February 16, 2018, Almost there.

Good Morning. Like always, I intend to write more consistently, and like always, there is just way too much going on. Today is Friday, and I just ambled out of bed not very long ago. It has been a very long series of very emotionally charged days. Last Sunday, my mom was in pain, she hadn’t eaten in over 15 days, and she was only able to whisper. She got close to me, and whispered, “I can’t anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. My whole family is waiting for me at my house…all my aunts are there”. She was speaking of her house in Mexico, and all her family that had passed, was waiting for her. She couldn’t tell me who was there, but when I named them she would say yes, they are there. We started morphine that night, and she had her last rights read to her by her favorite priest Father Tom, from St. Peters Catholic Church. I alerted my cousins, and my brother. I texted her friends, my friends and all of our family. It was a very difficult day/night. My cousin drove up from Ft. Myers that evening and left at 6am the next day. He prayed with her, held her, loved her. We all did…and are still. She is still holding on. She has been out of it a lot of the time, but there are moments of lucidity, and she looks up and is sometimes surprised to see me, and whispers coarsely, “Tash, you are here!” My dad continues to emote like I have never seen before. I am grateful for the outpour of his love and emotion. I can envision my parents as young lovers, newlyweds, and adventurers through his stories, memories, and through his tears. It has tore me up like nothing I have ever seen or been through. This is the very tough, but very beautiful part of this dying process. I called my mother’s life long best friend yesterday, Miriam, who lives in California, and is in a wheel chair. I told her mom’s state was eminent, that now was the time if she wanted to talk with her, or see her. She stated she doesn’t fly anymore due to the difficulties with her wheelchair, but she asked if I would put the phone to mom’s ear, so that she could say goodbye, and sing “their” song. She shared with me that when they were little girls, a radio show was having a singing contest. She and mom called in and sang what would forever more be “their song”. I wish I could tell you the name of it, but I was distraught. She sang to my mother, and my mom could not respond. Heartbreaking. My whole life I have heard stories about the antics that she and Miriam participated in. The closure was beautiful. Also, another touching and beautiful moment. Probably the most poignant moment or event to come from these last days, has been a reconciliation between my father and my brother. Seriously folks, if there were any more emotional turbulence in my life…I’m not sure what! I feel like each moment is so chalked full of emotion…we are all on edge…constantly. Breakdown is on the way! It was private, and full of more tears, and dad looked 10 years younger instantly. He sobbed to my mom that peace had been made with her boy…that loves her, and that everyone was going to be alright. He promised. Again, she was not really able to emote, but she was listening. Yesterday then seemed to be The Day (if you will). Somber, quiet, catatonic. I went home late afternoon, and downloaded some new music on her iPod. My cousin Mario, (my connection to my hispanic life and connection) gave me a list of artists that she loves, as did all my aunts (Las Tias) and my grandmother (Mi Abue). Guty Cardenas, Los Panchos, and various Jaranas Yucatecan. I also downloaded a childhood favorite, CriCri. I played them for her last night, with my dad present, my husband, my son and his girlfriend, and my daughter and her boyfriend. She came to life! She mouthed the words to the songs, tapped her foot to the beat, danced with my son (very small movements in the bed) and shimmied…as best she could, in her bed. What a gift. It was beautiful. Her face became emotive, her eyebrows would rise up and down to the different parts of the songs, and on occasion, she would whisper, “I love this song”. Ugh. So much emotion. My heart is full. I have told her to let go when she is ready, something keeps her here still. We are at 22 days of no food, well, less than maybe 4 tablespoons of food over the course of 22 days. She is bed bound. We are surrounded by a community that loves us and shows us all of the time. The food keeps coming, the hugs, and books, and bottles of wine, and chocolate…and the prayers. So many prayers. I FEEL the prayers, the love, the light. I can continue on due to the prayers,love and light. Thank you to everyone who has followed us on this journey. It is not yet over, but we are close. Please pray for peace for my beautiful mother and father, and that I can handle all that is still to come.
Peace.

January 4, 2018

Happy New Year everyone! Isn’t it amazing to think we are in the year 2018! Do you remember when it was about to be 2000, and there was a mad rush to withdraw all your money because there was going to be a banking glitch and we wouldn’t be able to access our cash? Many thought the world was coming to an end. No one knew what to expect…and here we are 18 years later. I only had one child at the time… he was almost 1 – crazy to think about. I can no longer imagine my life that way. So many things have changed. Many have changed in beautiful ways – ways that have enhanced my life. I have moved several times since then, had 2 additional children, experienced a huge recession, started and left various jobs, lost wonderful, beautiful, important, people. koi’ve made many new friends, experienced chapters and volumes of life’s stories with my forever friends, and lost friends along the way too. I have learned that everyone that comes in and out of your life are not necessarily there forever, but everyone brings you something. They are there for a season, and a purpose. That gives me pause in realizing that you don’t ever really “lose” anyone, but you experience what they are there to bring you, to offer you. I like that version of things. That helps me find peace.
Amazingly, I still feel really blessed. I also feel really stressed, and often times very sad. But, blessed none the less. Momma is still hanging in there. As always, things just keep moving along. December was wonderful, and so sad at the same time. Momma was pretty much out of it the entire month. She slept so much, was very catatonic often, and seemed to be slipping away from us daily. All the while, I was blessed with my young-ens, returning from college, home from school in general, the array of their friends gracing my home with their sweet, young presence. My children were so thoughtful and kind re: being around, helping out with mom, taking her out for jaunts, relieving my dad so that he could have some time to recover from the trauma that was consuming his house, his heart, and his lifelong partner. It was really a beautiful month, and so blue at the same time. They were also so thoughtful in their gift giving. I am a gift giver, I really think about the person I am gifting to, so it is so nice when people do the same for me. The people in my circle, are very thoughtful that way as well, so I was thrilled when my kids put serious thought into gifts that were meaningful, and thoughtful. That was so nice. I am thrilled to be surrounded by such beautiful humans. Truth.
Meanwhile, mom was retreating. She was falling further and further away. Dad was more emotional than ever, crying on the drop of a hat. It all felt so impending. The end…felt so impending. Time continued, things felt grim. Hospice stepped in. She is between a 6 and 7 on the Alzheimer’s scale. 7 is the ending stage on the Alzheimers scale. Mom’s muscles are atrophying somewhat, she is eating 2-4 ounces of food a day, and hadn’t been drinking hardly anything. That has changed a bit this week, but mostly just re: her fluid intake. She also had a full 4 oz. of yogurt today. That was something unusual as of late. So, there we are. Mom is on hospice now, they work on a 6 month schedule. She may have longer than that, and in that case we renew their services. She is now fully incontinent, needs assistance with everything vital, has a difficult time with almost everything, including words, sentences, thoughts, eating, and swallowing. But… as of this week, she isn’t catatonic. Her meds have significantly changed, and she is now, present when awake. Her eyes are open, and she still knows my name. I am grateful for the wonderful, beautiful people that assist her with bathing, offer her patience and grace when speaking with her, and praying with her, and all of my family and friends that bring her (and my family ) food, and fresh fruit juice, and homemade cookies, and visits, and everything else. My life is crazy hard, and confusing, and sad, but it is also so rich, and beautiful, and full. Praise.

Momma’s 72nd Birthday – June 9th

So Hi! It’s been a while. I feel like I think/say that often. It is the eve of my mom’s 72nd birthday. Weird right? Understanding the numbers of your parents age. I remember her 40th birthday. Bless her heart. Nathan – my brother and I went to Kmart to buy her a blouse for her birthday. We were BROKE, as a family even, on her 40th birthday. We would have been homeless would it not have been for Dave, best guy ever – apart from my husband. He provided us with a place to stay when we hit rock bottom as a family. I was in 7th grade. – I digress. Sorry. Nate and I went to Kmart, and bought mom a 2XL shirt for her birthday. Anyone that has ever seen my mom, knows she might wear a medium, and only because she has a huge chest. Otherwise, she is 120 pounds on a heavy day, and 5 feet tall on a tall day! She acted surprised, she probably was surprised, and she was happy. She has always been so sweet. She is definitely salty too, but sweet.
She is doing better in general. There are always people around, she is challenged, and interacted with constantly. She is mostly happy. Her nurse said 2 days ago that she is living her life in her mind from maybe 30 years ago. They gave her an updated “expiration date” of maybe 10 years from now. I know, that is just a guess. Pretty good when several months ago, they felt like she might have 3-5 years. This fact seems to irritate my father. I am sorry to air this garbage on here, but it is my outlet. I need to release this trash. He feels like we have “deceived” him. Yep. That is what he said. He feels that we, along with the social worker have tricked him into moving here. He is so angry. I am so angry. Life is so constantly hard. So hard. As you may have surmised, pop and I are not getting along at the moment. He has been awful. Awful to me, to my family, and to my mother. He also is great with her sometimes, but he is wearing me out. Life is already hard enough, you know? He recently tried to shame me…what the hell is that. Told me to shut up and listen to my husband. I nearly came unglued. Many other things were said, all equally ugly, and now our relationship has changed. I treat him professionally, as though he is that asshole co-worker, that I have to work with. I am almost to the place where I just call him by his name vs. dad, or pop. I am nearly there. He plans on taking her to Ft. Myers on Sunday for approximately 2 weeks – which doesn’t mean anything. He left with her for 3 days last time and was gone 6 weeks. She ended up in the hospital after a scary fall. She is happy here. He is miserable. I wish he would just go. I cannot afford to completely sustain her though on my own accord. We just assumed so much additional debt when moving into this house to help house them too. I have one heading to college in the fall (grateful) and a car to buy for the next child in line. This is not a guilt trip or anything else, just irritation that my dad won’t provide for her properly, and is about to do something counter productive to everything else we have just done to get her to this place. She was off on her meds, schedules, dietary, and anything else that required a commitment to a schedule. Anyone that is affected by someone with dementia knows that schedules are key for them. They need to know what to expect. It’s a form of muscle memory when your brain forgets. This is about to set us back so much.
Again, I digress.
So, I was going to take her up in a hot air balloon ride for #72, but $600.00 is out of my league for 4 of us. I’m sure that is a great deal too, but still too much for me. Instead, we are having a dance party! Yassss! Sounds crass and contrite I know, but mom is all about dancing to some Miami music/latin music. We have a handful of teenagers (that love Abue- mom)coming over tomorrow, and a few of mom’s friends, to dance with her, break open a pi√Īata, take selfies with her(they love to do this with her and add all their crazy snap chat filters), and eat some cake! It’ll be fun! That’s the deal.
Besides that, the boy has graduated (how is this possible?), He is going on a month long road trip with his girlfriend beginning June 20th. They are going up the eastern seaboard up to Newfoundland. My middle child is traveling to France with boyfriend and his family in a week (oh my) and we still haven’t finished one bathroom in the old – new – house. I do love it here. Great house. Always a ton to do though. I am ready to stop…and be really quiet – and still. I desire quiet and stillness. In the interim, we shall see. Every major moment is seemingly happening right now, and I am hanging on for dear life. So grateful for the sweetest man in the world. I’m quite positive I do not deserve him – but I am so grateful he is mine. He and the boy (and several man children) are on a canoe trip down the Buffalo River right now. It is a yearly trip, filled with Godly men, that are quite salty (pardon me for saying that twice) as several of them are retired military. They are getting their fill of peace, quiet, nature, and men that love and listen to you with a inordinate amount of farting! Glad they are there, not necessarily due to the farting! Love those boys.
Anyway. Tomorrow we celebrate 72 years of blessings and life. Celebrating a life well lived. Here’s to a life well lived.
Cheers.
T

Peek a boo April 6, 2017

My mom came out to play for a bit on Tuesday. It was awesome. I think it was almost more exciting to see my dad react. He is in that place where I think he feels like he takes care of her now, but “she” doesn’t ever come out for too long. I think that makes him feel like nothing he does will bring her to the forefront, so he just does what he needs to do. I’m sure I continue to try to engage her because… I’m not sure. I wait for her to re-appear I guess. I want to figure out what makes her re-appear. So on my way home from work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I stop at the Mexican bread store and pick up her favorite breads(elephant ears and conchas). Dads too (guava pastries). This makes her so happy. Dad too. Then we sit and chat a bit. I have been cleaning out my shed, and ran across a box of travel type games that have gone all over the country with me and my growing family. I gave them to my dad to engage with my mom. He initially was irritated as he said they would just keep junking up the house. But on that Tuesday, mom took out on her own a brain teaser, and worked really hard on it on and off for about 30 minutes. She told me Santa brought her all these toys. ( Sweetness) Any way. One of the things in there was conversation starters. If you aren’t familiar with this activity, it is a series of cards – probably 75-100 and they have different topics on them. Example, what is your favorite thing about your physical appearance? Least favorite. What was the most difficult thing that happened in your life and how has it helped you to be who you are? Some questions were easier and talked of a best friend, or a silly experience or a favorite color. She thought and thought about her answers, and on occasion would get a little lost in the responses, but I could see where she was going with her responses. She talked about living far away from her family and how hard that was and how it helped her to be more independent and her favorite thing about her appearance was her eyes. My dad who would normally balk at having to play a game for too long, wanted the game to last as long as possible. It was a sweet moment. I am still mostly Sis to her or Elin, but it is ok. I respond. My aunt is a tough ass (in a good way), and I gladly will respond to her name. Dad is learning how to do her physical therapy routine with her. This is good. The meds have been regulated and are now being taken in a scheduled manner. All in all, life is good. I am blessed.
On an alternate note, my son has decided to attend the University of North Florida in Jacksonville for college in the fall. We were all surprised as we were near positive he would be attending University of Cincinnati in Ohio. He said that after much thought and contemplation, UNF is where he is choosing to attend. His reasons were costs of in state tuition, being closer to home, remaining close to his little sister (who idolizes him and is generally besotted when she thinks about him leaving), a girlfriend that he loves at UNF, and Abue, were his reasons for staying. He wants to be able to stay connected to her. He and my mother are tight. How can any of this be terrible? It isn’t. It is wonderful. Sad often times, but wonderful. She has lived a long full life (still is), doing things her way. I read an article this morning on FB. It was the story of a mom who has recently lost her 4 year old son to childhood cancer. The suffering she is experiencing is unreal, as she will never see her child reach his full potential as an adult. It is a current loss and a loss for the future. This is a tragedy. I can palpably feel her loss, as best as possible without going through it myself. This type of loss is unfair. My Momma has had a good life. A full life. She still is. No complaints here.

Momma’s here April 3, 2017

Well, It has finally happened. Momma is here. It has been quite a journey. They were here, then they left. They were here, then they left again. And then mom fell, and ended up being transported by ambulance to the ER in Ft. Myers. Gratefully, we had amazing social workers that wouldn’t allow my mother to be discharged without long term arrangements, and so my father caved. They have been here for about 3 weeks. Momma is declining quickly. We are now sort of “babysitting” her all day long. I don’t mean that in a derogatory manner. She just can’t be left alone for any reason anymore. She is needing assistance in the restroom, changing her clothes, bathing, with meds, sometimes feeding herself, walking. It is happening quickly. She generally doesn’t know who my father is and he is heartbroken. They have been together and married since 1969. I feel like I have to work just as hard taking care of my father as I do my mother because he is so fragile right now- and so tough at the same time. He cries all the time. A song, a memory, pictures, when she is confused, or really having a tough day. He cries. This is NOT his norm. Never has been. He is sometimes immobilized by his fear or his horror of what is happening. We have to step in a lot. Thank God for an amazing husband and amazing children. My husband took my mom for chocolate milk, a donut and a car ride the other day so that I could have a few hours with just my dad to decompress a bit. It was lovely. She didn’t know who he was that day, and that made her very nervous. It got better though. She mostly knows who I am most of the time. Recently she has been calling my Elin though. Elin is my father’s sister, and I do look like her a bit ( I think). She seems to know (most of the time ) that I am who she knows me to be, but she confuses my name. Yesterday and the day before were really hard days. She is getting a lot of involuntary muscle spasms in her arms, which don’t allow her to then hold a glass, or a pencil, or whatever…feed herself. She is shaking a lot as well. She is at times…more consistently having a tough time with her thoughts, and her words. She generally cannot finish a sentence. She is happy in the cottage we bought her. Life is simple here, and filled with my kids, their friends, my friends too. We have bon fires, and dinner together, and we spend time crafting in the studio, or watching spanish soap operas. She had her first Hispanic party that she attended since she’s been back. She did alright, but was out of it for the most part, and they called me stating that she was ready to go home. She has at home health care coming to her right now which has been a blessing and a Godsend. They have all been amazing and super thorough. My children have stepped up in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. They take her hand and walk her home, help fold her clothes, eat with her, play games with her, talk to her about whatever super random things are coming out of her mouth, dance with her and watch Hispanic tv with her. I see and feel their sadness sometimes, and that just feels so big. This is hard. I am so grateful though.I am aware of how limited our time is together. Today is our first “Momma Monday”. We are trying to get super scheduled and routined so she knows what to expect daily. We are going to paint rocks #delandrocks, and then hide them in town, followed by lunch with my girlfriend and her mother. Off we go. I have reached out to my brother, hoping that he will do the right thing by her, but he still has made little effort to connect with her. With that, I still feel as though I am blessed. I will try and reach out more, as it has been difficult with the constant changes and ups and downs. Big hugs to all of you on all you might be dealing with my friends. We are all fighting our own battles, right? Later.

July 31…really???

How is this possible? Could a month and a half passed since writing you? Crazy! Time flies! Whether you are having fun or not…gratefully, I am mostly having fun! I love summer. I do. I love it. Lack of schedule, lack of mandatory running around (mostly), swimming, the beach, sleeping in late, road trips, hanging out with your kids all the time, sleepovers. I know some parents are excited for the kids to go back to school, and I am too at times, but mostly, I just love this time together. I feel the changes happening, the shifts occurring, and soon my babies are going to move on, as they are supposed to do. I am not trying to be dramatic, but I AM trying to be present. This summer has not been our typical summer. My oldest has been away for 4 weeks this summer- three consecutively. We have been trying to sell our home, lots of cleaning up and lots of showings, as well as preparing to move into our new home. We picked our son up from the course he was taking at Emory University, and then proceeded to do our son’s college tour from there. It was so great having him back and having all of my people in the car with me. Lots of conversation, restaurants, different playlists from different kids, and lots of cool destinations. We have a better handle now on what we are looking for in re:to schools, and re: what won’t serve our son so well. It was a great trip, and we are glad to now be home.
My middle babe turned 15 yesterday. What is that about! It is crazy that this can be true. But it is. She is gorgeous inside and out and I am grateful she is my baby. We had about 15 of her friends over yesterday beginning at 4 to swim, have a cook out, they played giant yard Jenga, had a water balloon fight, made s’mores, and watched an outdoor movie while hanging out in the pool. It was a great evening. Her friends are just as nice as she is…and we are so grateful. They were so thoughtful in their gift giving, it was awesome to see her open up truly thoughtful presents. She is so thoughtful in her gift giving, and it was nice those sentiments returned. This was our first coed party too, mind you. But they truly enjoyed one another. Initially, it was awkward like a middle school dance – boys on one side, girls on the other, but then our pastor and his family arrived, to have their 5 year old little girl give Grace the gift she bought her. That little girl wrangled all those boys up and girls and had them all eating out of her hands at the same time! The boys were sweet to her and were high fiving her and letting her put flash tattoos all over them. By the end of the visit with our pastor and his family, all the boys and girls were swimming together, playing games together, having water balloon fights, etc. It was adoreable! It also really showed the true nature of all of these 15 & 16 year old kids. They were tender and sweet and not too cool to be nice to a couple of adorable little kids.
Mom is still mom. She is consistently loosing things, obsessing about them for a few weeks, and then finding them. She and dad are busy filling their days with movies, and the theatre, and lots of tacos from San Julians in Ft. Myers! We talk nearly daily and she is sweet and funny. My dad has been taking her for trips to get her nails done, her hair done, or a massage. It is making him happy to do this for her and it also buys him a little alone time I think. The other day they called me and she had just come back from getting her hair cut and colored along with a manicure. I asked her to tell me about it and she said she was really happy with everything but they did a terrible job on her toes. She said she was going to go back in tomorrow and have them redo them because they looked terrible. Meanwhile, in the background my dad says” they didn’t do your toes today…they did your hair and your fingernails.” She said…”Oooh, really? Hmm. Well, I am going to go back there and have them fix them up anyway, they look terrible.” Bless her heart. I am not sure where they are still re: the new house. If nothing else, we are providing an option for them. It doesn’t appear as though my dad is on the same page as us, still. We will see. I think this will change, but in the meantime, I will not say anything except that it will be there for them should they need it. We are creating an option.
My brother and I texted recently. That is unusual, but not entirely unpleasant. He let me know through text that he and his family have moved to New Hampshire. Hmm. They needed a change. Ok. He wrote to give me his new number. Near the end of our text exchange, he asked about my mom. Asked how she was. She would feel very betrayed if I were to give up her personal info to someone who she feels has abandoned her so I simply said that she was well, but that life is tougher these days, than in days past. He stated that he has written them countless letters, sent them photos, and his various addresses, but they never get in touch with him. He said he feels they are screening his calls to because he hasn’t been able to reach them.
If my parents knew how to use their phones or technology, I might see his point of view, but my parents went to Mexico in April, and my dad just 3 days ago figured out how to turn off airplane mode!!! Again…bless his heart! They are trying. For this I am grateful. All I could say to my sibling was, I am sorry that you all are in this place. I left it at that. I am done having this discussion. He is too obviously. He said that he is done reaching out to them. I hope his son looks at life with a little more love and humility, and doesn’t do to his parents what my sibling has done to my parents. My parents will never get over the heart ache, I don’t believe. Especially my mom. He was her everything. Having said that, Oh well, not my bed & I won’t be sleeping in it. I will love her through it though, and try not to say anything bad or negative about anyone either. I choose to Love them all right where they are.

Quite a nutshell right? I think this is all my norm. I do not think that things will ever settle, just shift. We shall see. Once again, I am grateful. God is good to me and the people I love and those around me. Please keep us in your prayers to sell this beautiful house so that we can move into the next one with a sense of peace and tranquility. We close on August 31 – a month from today. Hard to believe. Onward and upward!
Peace, Love and Light.

June 1, 2016

Good morning! I am still here. Life is crazy as always. I don’t believe that will ever change! I think when we are done with one particular thing, it just gets replaced with something else. It’s all good. I am not complaining. So, I currently have 3 painters at my current house. I think they are amazing…such ethic and integrity. AAA Master Painting. Anyhow. My house is all kinds of torn up as my daughter’s bedroom, 3 hallways, kitchen, living room, dining room and mud room are stages of being painted. The guys also tore down paper from my bathroom, and are getting ready to paint that. Pretty much all of my stuff is floating in the middle of every room! Landscapers are coming shortly to take a look at our plan again, and we start that this upcoming week. Whomever moves here, is going to be set. Beautiful landscaping, beautiful quality paint, crisp clean spaces, and a beautiful neighborhood. It is so bittersweet. I am now excited and anxious as there is so much to do. Everything costs so much money. At my core, I’m still a poor kid whose parents are struggling to make it. I am not sure that ever changes. I am generally quite frugal. Anyway. We are working towards our closing date of August 31. Our new house is gorgeous and it is turn key. It is not to my taste decor wise, but that is the fun in getting into something new (or old in this matter). We just had our home inspection at the new house. Those poor guys were crawling around in attics and crawl spaces for 8 hours! They were amazing! Overall, it was a good report. There of course is “stuff” we need to deal with as the house is 80 plus years old. But is super manageable.
It is graduation time here. So exciting! Many of our family friends are graduating. We have one more year until my oldest graduates, gratefully. We attended several parties this past weekend and there are still a few more in the near future. I remember this time. Don’t you? Everything seemed so new and fresh. Scary too. So many unknowns…what will you study, where, how will you pay for it all, friends leaving, leaving your home and your family, should you travel first, the status of your current relationships. So much. But it is so exciting too. The world is open to you. Anything and everything is a possibility. Anyway. I digress! ūüôā
So my folks were just here this weekend. My dad was insistent, which is super interesting as my dad never really wants to “visit”. Not often anyway. He said he needed to talk and tell me about was has been happening. He has been on a vacation for one month (post office), and he took my mom to Mexico to visit her family. She described it as so fun, really great, etc. My dad told me stories that I am embarrassed to repeat. My mother acted like a defiant 2 year old. She acted very badly and did some pretty awful things. I can’t help but feel embarrassed, even though I am aware that she has lost her ability to have judgement and logic. I keep thinking she isn’t “bad” yet in re: to her dementia, but it is actually getting pretty bad. It makes me sad for her and my dad. I am sad for me too. She asked me in private the other day, very quietly if the man in the other room was actually my real dad. I said that yes he was. She said that he is very nice to her, and she likes him, but she doesn’t think he is my real dad. She didn’t want me to share this with him. I didn’t. Many times, she thinks he is my brother. She mostly refers to him as my brother. My sweet momma. She misses my brother. He chooses not to have anything to do with any of us at this point. So sad for him. My sister in law contacted my middle daughter recently and let her know that they were moving at the end of this school year again. That is how they communicate with us. Through my middle child – their favorite of my children?!? Weird. Anyway. Enough about things I can’t control, and don’t have time or energy to think about.
I went to the dentist yesterday to have 2 teeth filled. Normal, no big deal. I have a really high pain tolerance – always have. I couldn’t unfurl my hands yesterday, I couldn’t “relax” if you will. Transference is my gift – it is how I am able to get through this crazy life of mine at times, but I could not do it yesterday. My sweet dentist (who has earned my business for life), asked me if I was alright. I said yes, no worries, keep going. He asked me if I was feeling any pain, I said no. No worries, keep going. He asked me again a few minutes later if I was sure I was ok. I told him I was feeling really anxious, He said no worries, he gave me a shot to calm me down, and then after my procedure, he had 2 of his staff bring me home. Isn’t that amazing? I love quality people who truly care about others. I want to be surrounded by people like this. I am actually surrounded by people like this. God is so good to me and my family. I am blessed.
It continues. It all continues. Packing, moving, painting, planting, celebrating the end of the year, the end of sports with friends and teammates, the end of plays with cast members, the end of sweet high school times with friends that are moving on. The end of some semblance of sanity and the beginnings of a life where people take care of you almost solely- speaking of my momma of course. We rejoice though, as there is a time for everything.

sweet Lionessess!
sweet Lionessess!

The next class of IB seniors!
The next class of IB seniors!
Momma and Paigy
Momma and Paigy
BFF's graduation party
BFF’s graduation party
Paigy and her Pop
Paigy and her Pop
"I'm your favorite cousin"
“I’m your favorite cousin”
Nana and Lily
Nana and Lily
Joe's Graduation party
Joe’s Graduation party
Chaos
Chaos
Painters paradise
Painters paradise

May 14, 2016

So hi! It’s been a while! Sorry. Life is crazy that way. I’m currently sitting at a nail salon in Naples, Florida having a pedicure. Life is good. I’m down here with my husband only as my kids had “stuff” or didn’t want to come. One of my best friends from high school, Ody(yep, like Garfield), her oldest son is graduating from law school. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? We aren’t old enough! Ugh! His name is Matthew, and he is smart, and personable, and gorgeous! Ody has done such a beautiful job raising her boys. Not bad for a girl that got pregnant at 17, graduated, got married, turned 18, had a baby…while working, going to school, then law school! Yep, law school! In the interim, she lost her house and all her worldly possessions to hurricane Andrew. She is something! I’m so proud of her, and who she is. Her boys are amazing too! Anyway. I haven’t written in a while because I didn’t want to let my secret out of the bag. We under contract to by the house! THE house. Remember the house I told you about, with a bungalow for my folks? Well, we put an offer in nearly a month ago after much thought ( no matter what), my mom is going to need a place to be. They opted to not go for this house as they thought it was too small. The deal is, it is one property, 2 houses, enough bedrooms and bathrooms, it’s fully fenced, & it has an orange grove. How cool is that? We can all be together and still not be on top of each other. It’s a win win. Also, it has a studio already on the property. It has EVERYTHING! We are thrilled this is happening and shocked at the same time. We have NEVER considered moving, as we love our house. But this fits the bill. We’ve all just agreed on terms etc on Thursday. So y’all are pretty quick to know!? My children are excited, my husband is excited/stressed, on all of the various things to do. I’m thrilled and overwhelmed. My folks just found out last night as they are in Mexico visiting my mom’s family. There isn’t a comprehension yet as to why this has all happened. That might be best at this moment. They are having a great time. I’m so glad. Besides that, it’s the last volleyball weekend, school is getting ready to be over, and lots of our friends are getting ready to send their kids off to college, or be sent to college. It’s an exciting time.

Momma

Hey friends. ¬†It’s me Tash. I am currently enjoying a small break at Bahamma Breeze in Daytona as I wait for the 6 volleyball players that I just dropped off at their practice. ¬†I have 4 hours u til I need to pick them all up. ¬† Monday’s are my night to drop off and pick up. ¬†I love hearing these girls laugh, sing chit chat about the events of their days and the various people on their lives. ¬†I feel blessed to get a glimpse into their world. ¬†I can’t believe it’s been so long since I was 15, chit chatting with my “girls”. ¬†It is fun to watch how things really, actually never change ! ¬†It’s still fun to show off your dance moves, sing at the top of your lungs, listen to the latest tunes and chat about people that you are interested in, or who annoy you.? ¬†I feel priveleged to ¬†get to watch this right of passage happen to all these amazing young ladies.

Meanwhile, another right of passage is happening, mine I think. I left my kids during their spring break to assist my parents with this next phase of dementia. ¬†My mom is misplacing most of her important ¬†documents and jewelry and pretty much anything else. ¬†She is aware they are bring misplaced, and sometimes she recognizes she misplaced…whatever, but she also feels people are hiding things from her, or stealing from her, or giving her super special, personal items away. ¬†My dad is elevating status wise in my eyes from a fairly narcissistic person to a fairly patient and kind care-giver…I never thought I’d see the day. ¬†I’m so proud of him.

I spent 3 days going through mom’s closets, my old room, the dining room, living room and searching under drawers, lamp base, ¬†under her collection of Baby dolls and whatever else. ¬†In the end, my dad and I found her purse, passports, ID’s, insurances cards, LOTS of Jewelery…some costume, and some fine jewelry. ¬†I threw away hundreds of empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and various other vessels. ¬†We also met with a social worker and discussed some necessary topics as well as some options. ¬†We adopted some of those recommendations while I was there too. I brought my mom home with me for Easter and I’m grateful, but tired. ¬†My dad is getting some much needed respite-and I’m glad. ¬†He asked me today if I’d watch after her for an additional week, and I kindly declined. ¬†I feel a bit bad about that, but I feel like I have to keep pushing back my own stuff to assist all the various parents. ¬†My mom is full time and I still have 3 kids. Our other thing we have going that we are putting on hold, is an art studio. ¬†We are nearly ready to build. ¬†We have the plans, the surveys the various people in place, and we just stopped ( partly due to the contractor taking liberties with our time) but also because my mom really is declining rapidly, and I think some of this can be slowed down with more interaction with friends and family. ¬†We are considering selling our beautiful home and buying a property that is larger with a 2/1 bungalow on it, so that my mother can live more fully with and near us and her friends, and our nearby Hispanic community. ¬†My dad will have to have some skin in this game, ultimately, this is “their life”. Their existence. ¬†I am able to make things better, but we are going to have to figure out boundaries, and how we are able to support each other. ¬†I’m confused at this minute. ¬†I love my folks. ¬†I adore my mom. ¬†I’m just not sure if this is me still giving too much, or if you just “do” these things for your mom. ¬†I know for a fact she would do this for me, my dad…ehhh, I am positive he wouldn’t. ¬†But this is about my mom. ¬†Hmm? ¬†I’m going to tell you, the house we are looking at is amazing. ¬†It’s a historic home. ¬†5 bedrooms 3 baths. ¬†There is a seperate house on the property that is small ish for my folks, but super doable. ¬†There is an orange grove on the property and it’s fully fenced in…oh yeah, and it has an art studio on the property…I forgot to mention that! ¬†With all of that, I’m still not sure I want to move,or that my dad is as invested as I am. ¬†It just makes me sad to think he wouldn’t be. ¬†Btw, my husband (who’s a Saint) is the one who suggested all of this! ¬†I don’t know how I attracted this Godly man. ¬†I’m grateful I did though. ¬†Thoughts? ¬†I’m a little stuck-ish. ¬†Especially today as I’m a little overwhelmed. ¬†Sigh* ¬† Thanks for listening friends.

Tash

March 11, 2016

Good morning! ¬†It is a gorgeous day here in sunny Florida. ¬†I think we are getting into the low 80’s, and it just feels like spring – pollen and all! ¬†My husband and I just returned from New York, celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary, and the warmth in Florida is much appreciated! ¬†It is so wonderful leaving for just a bit, and then it is even more wonderful coming home! ¬†Don’t you agree? ¬†Even when you know you have a ton of stuff to do when you get back, or you have major stuff in front of you, extracting yourself from your life once in a while is necessary.

It was so tough to leave…so many deadlines, the kids have all kinds of things going on, work is crazy and demanding, but 20 years! ¬†Wow! ¬†That deserves a pause and proper acknowledgment of a life well lived, despite the insane sometimes! ¬†We have been getting away (as often as possible)for our anniversaries since our 7 year anniversary. ¬†It helps us to remember the reasons we decided to be¬†together in the first place, the things we love(d) about one another, and enables us to build new memories together just the 2 of us. ¬†It is nice that we still really want to be together. We are still romantic towards one another, and despite the ways we have physically changed and developed, we are still very physically and sexually attracted to each other. ¬†Its beautiful. ¬†We walked all over the city, rode the Big Red Bus, the subway & the yellow cabs. ¬†We ate & drank our way through New York, experiencing a culinary experience like no other. ¬†The cocktails were exquisite as well. You almost feel as though you are missing out if you opt for a glass of wine, or go for a beer. ¬†We are not into plays, or musicals, or things of this nature, which puts us in the category of “freaks” in NYC! ¬†But that is ok with us. ¬†One of the highlights of our trip was going to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. ¬†It is so majestic. ¬†It takes your breath away and makes you feel so proud that we live in this beautiful country. ¬†I didn’t know I would feel so moved, but it was really touching. ¬†I found both of my grandparents names in the ship manifests when they came over from Sweden back in the early 1900’s. ¬†That was really emotional. ¬†It allowed me to sort of see the world from their eyes, not as my grandparents, but as young adults, making a huge decision about the rest of their lives, and changing everything about their lives. ¬†They met here in this country, but were both from Sweden. ¬†I have work to do now, to figure out more of their story. ¬†They were older grandparents when I was born. ¬†My grandfather was 50 when my father was born, so he was nearly 75 when I was born. ¬†I would like to know more about he and my grandmother as children, young adults, and in their courting relationships.

We are home now and back in the swing of things. I have a renewed sense of purpose, strength, and drive.  I am looking forward to all things that I normally have to do.  Some are still really challenging, namely parenting sometimes & dealing with the failing health of parents.  But, I have had a rest, a break, and I can do all this again.  Life is good.  What a nice thing to be able to say and mean.