Category Archives: grateful

The Saga Continues December 4, 2017

Wow! It’s been forever since I have written. I mean to all the time, but I am exhausted these days. Life has gotten very hard. We are at a really sad place. Mom is still around, she still loves really big, and has really big feelings, but she definitely has a tougher time expressing herself these days. The last time I wrote, mom had just celebrated her 72nd birthday. She was bright and shiny. If you love someone with dementia/Alzheimers disease, you know what I mean. When you look in your loved one’s eyes and still see the light. We still get glimmers of light, but it is getting tougher to see. The differences between now and June are huge. On mom’s birthday, we had a dance party for her. She, and all the guests broke open a pi√Īata, there was lots of dancing and friends, and big laughs. Here we are 6 months later, and my momma gratefully is still here, but is now using adult diapers 24 hours a day, needs someone to bathe her, dress her, guide her to brush her teeth, on occasion feed her, and to put her to bed. She just last week, fell down 6 times in one weekend, which ended her in the emergency room. She is healing to look at her, but I believe her to be overmedicated currently, and so she is mostly just asleep. I would say that she hasn’t been up for more than 1 hour today. We are trying to find that balance in meds to where she sleeps at night (she isn’t sleeping at night), and yet isn’t a zombie in the day. She currently can’t keep her eyes open while eating. Of course we all need sleep at night, so it is difficult not sleeping. I miss her.
Otherwise, life is good. I really can’t complain. Life is just really hard. Dad and I are solely taking care of her. My immediate family helps out a ton. It is tough watching the deterioration occur, and watching my littles (not so little anymore) have to take a front row seat. I know this forms them, and enriches their sense of compassion and caring, but it also breaks their hearts. My brother is still MIA – I can’t believe he hasn’t reached out to her. She goes back and forth calling me Tash or Sis (my father’s sister). She generally thinks my father is one of my brothers (I only have one). She always knows my youngest – although recently she thinks she is me, she always remembers my husband, and generally she remembers my son. She sometimes confuses my middle child.
We have been watching her experience sudden grief. Its as though people who have passed years ago, just passed today. The grief is so big, full, and gut wrenching. She is experiencing sundowners syndrome pretty significantly each night around 8. Anger, confusion, paranoia, needing to leave. Packs a bag, and is ready to go home. Home is Mexico, or Merida, or Ft. Myers, or across the street. She packs things like one slipper, a baby doll, a blanket, one shoe, a handful of marbles, and whatever other random items that are in her path.
I gratefully have an amazing husband who is my rock. He and I have had to share so many huge and significant things like this. We seem to be really good at this type of crisis. Any crisis really. He just holds me, at times, he lets me sleep in a bit, while he deals with my wandering momma (this weekend). He talks me through the tears, sadness, and the disappointments of this horrible disease. I also have amazing friends, who jump into action when I called, to help with whatever, to console, advise, snuggle with, or just sit silently next to. I am grateful.
I am not going to regret not being here for my momma, or my dad (as tough as this all is). I won’t have to wonder if I did enough, or if I loved enough. And I will definitely know that I was loved by her, enough.

January 26, 2017

4 months…4 months! How is this possible? I know I say that all the time, but seriously! I have written a few times over the last several months, but haven’t finished any of the posts. Not one! I write to you in the pick up line at the middle school, or as I sit waiting at a doctors appointment, but they haven’t gotten finished or posted.

Well, grab a cup of coffee I suppose. Let’s chat! Where to begin? I feel insane really for all that I am about to disclose, because, this is novel material. If someone told me this was their life, I would think they were making it up. How could this amount of stuff so constantly be happening? Not sure. But… this is my life. And it is real. I think that this is going to be my life forever too. I mean, that it will forever be like this and that it will maintain this level of insanity.
Ok, well, I warned you.
So I just read over my last post. “Sitting on porch relaxing with my dog watching the ibis and listening to the ravens???”I want that!!!! Serenity now! I could remember that moment as I read over it, and remembered the peace I felt. I have moments of peace, but they don’t just find me. I have to actively look for peace and serenity. Since I last wrote, we did major work on our new, old, house. We gutted and redid the kitchen, and we started the process on a bathroom, as well as rewiring, painting and moving in. We moved in November 11, and sold our old home on November 17th. This house has immediately felt like home, which has been a very pleasant surprise. We have all enjoyed it very much. There is a shit ton of work still to be done, but…ehh, it’ll happen. We hosted Thanksgiving and entertained 30 people 2 weeks into our lives at this house. We ushered in December with our annual Christmas bingo/ugly sweater christmas party to the tune of 100 people (outside). It was awesome as always. We have such a great time with that party. All our friends and their kids and our families come. It is wonderful. We then celebrated Christmas and New Years…which brings us to now – ish. Remember that we bought this house because it had a second house on the property – for momma? Well, Mom and Dad moved up almost a week ago, into their sweet little bungalow. Moved is a relative term, but they are here and they have various belongings which makes it seem as though they reside here. It was quite a feat convincing them. My dad arrived kicking and screaming and putting on the tantrum of his life. He DOES NOT WANT TO BE HERE! But, he is here and since they are attempting this “move” for the second time (in a week) he isn’t acting quite as awful. My mom is thrilled to be here, to eat dinner with us, to be around the kids, but is experiencing sundown syndrome, where all goes to hell at night. She freaks out, paces, packs to leave, is paranoid, scared, has behavior changes, hallucinates, hears things, etc. That is hard and has been really tough. Tylenol PM is the answer to that so far. I have put her back on all her meds (my dad took her off all her meds- he didn’t want to manage them, and felt they weren’t doing her any good anyway.) I take her with me in the afternoons to go and do kid pick ups. We have been cooking together (she mostly watches or snaps beans for me or washes lettuce.) She has no idea how to cook anymore. In total, I am around the corner from losing my mom forever with in her own body and mind. That is where we are. She is lost. She wanders in circles aimlessly, picking up random things, having random conversations that don’t make any sense. It is becoming increasingly difficult for her to find her words, the right ones anyway. She still recognizes me. I am grateful. She no longer recognizes my father. She is positive his name is Dave, and he is a friend who takes care of her, and who is badgering her to marry him. She tells him all the time she is already married to Ron, and that she can’t do that within the catholic church. God Bless her. My father is devastated. This is the knee jerker. She calls him Dave all day long. She would really like him to go back to his own house. He is just visiting. Sorry Dave-O, I know you read my blog. Anyway. She often times thinks Dave, my father, and she, go and do various things together. She feels like the 3 of them go out to eat, to the movies, or whatever else. Her condition is called Capgras Delusions. Very interesting, and super sad.
Switching gears for a minute. So, as all this is going on, the milestones are still happening. My daughter just turned 12 last Wednesday. Bless her heart, she asked for a trash can, black socks that match, and a lint roller??? WTF! Dear lord! Anyway, My oldest has now been accepted into the 3 colleges he applied to! Exciting. We are heading up to the University of Cincinnati this upcoming Monday to take it in in the winter and to see the Lumineers in concert. This is what he wanted for his birthday, which is Saturday. He is about to legally be an adult…ugh….sigh…tears. I took him (because they still make you!) to his last pediatric doctor appointment. You know I cried afterwards right? My son is a man. Such a great man too. You know how awesome it is to be around your kids and think… I really like this PERSON. He/she is a great, and fun, and ethical, person. Not just my kid, but person that is going out into this world. Anyway. I adore his doctor, and she has loved him and taken care of he and his sisters since 2000. It was bittersweet. My Man child drove himself home after the appointment. **sigh**
Meanwhile, I spoke with my mom’s memory care team and caught her up to speed on mom being here and where she is at mentally, and she sweetly said, keep your momma comfortable. Meds from here forward will be for quality of life. This process has been happening very very quickly, and it will keep doing so. Enjoy your mom. She won’t be around too much longer. Especially not in the way that you know her.
I was driving… and crying. So, I had a little time to process and write down questions and I spoke to her again today. This time I was able to write down answers to questions I had, and ask questions without quite the shock of yesterday. I feel sad, to the bottom of my heart. Overwhelmed, and like somehow, this is all so unfair. I curse no one. I say little. It just sits so heavy on my soul. I just told my brother – he chooses to remain out of anything mom and dad related. Pretty much me related too these days. We will see what he chooses to do. I felt like he needed to know. The rest is up to him.
Anyway. I am grateful I still have time with my momma. I am grateful my dad is here, and I am so grateful for my husband and family that prove to be the Gibraltar of all rocks.
Blessings and peace. Hug your mommas.

September 19, 2016

Good Morning! It has been forever! Hard to believe so much time has passed. It has been a long,hot, summer. It still feels like summer currently although some mornings you are able to detect a cooler feeling or a breeze that doesn’t feel quite so oppressive. I have just been sitting on porch, enjoying a cup of coffee with my sweet dog, Nikki. We were watching the squirrels chasing and playing with one another, the ibis eating grubs or whatever sort of bugs out of the various lawns, and listening to the ravens squawk and pollute the quiet day with their loud, aggressive sounds. Moments like these are a blessing, because it means we are at rest. I get to stop…and take it all in. There is no school this morning as it is a teacher -in- service day, so my sweet nephew is over, playing with my youngest – who is so sweet to him. I am getting ready to take 5 girls to the mall to go Homecoming dress shopping – and I love that. I am thrilled that they allow me to be a fly on the wall, to hear the chatter, see the interactions, and listen to the goings-on of teenage girls. I am positive that I will miss this when they are grown up and on their own.
Since we last interacted, we closed on the house that we were under contract with forever. It is now our very own money pit! It has been so far, but we knew this would be the deal. We have had to rewire the whole house as it was still connected to live tube and knob wiring. For those that do not know what that is (I didn’t know) it an old timey electrical type of wiring that is no longer allowed by current codes. We closed on the house on August 31, and beginning September 1, the electricians started their work. They have been amazing and I am grateful we will have the piece of mind of knowing the house is wired as it should be so that my family will be kept safe in this modern age of much electrical use i.e. cell phone chargers, hair dryers, flat irons, computers, flat screens. None of which were even thought of in 1878 when this house was built and wired! We have been ripping out cabinets (in the kitchen) and tearing down the ceiling, as we realized it had an aqua beadboard ceiling. It has been a true adventure, and I am sure it is only the beginning! We still haven’t sold our house, and I think it may be a blessing as we still have a place to live as all this craziness is happening in the new house. We are showing it a bunch, just nothing notable to discuss in terms of offers. It’s coming. Lets see, what else? School has started back. Our county opted for uniforms for all public schools, and there was a big to do about it for a while, but honestly, I like it. I think the kids don’t mind as much as they thought they would either. It makes it easy on mornings when you ignored your alarm one to many times! My kids are now in their senior year, sophomore year, and first year in middle school. It is CRAZY that they are this old! My senior is acting like a senior/teenager for the first time. He doesn’t normally do things that require us to be “On” him so much, but he has recently. I did WAY worse stuff as a teenager, so I am grateful that a.) he is a normal teenager, and b.) it’s not that bad. He is good about hearing what we have to say and accepting the consequences without too much of a fuss. My middle is experiencing her first boyfriend, and she is having fun with him as well as her friends, and team mates. It is fun getting to watch her go through this process. It was fun for me years and years ago – would not want to do it again!, but it was fun. Now it is fun watching she and her friends maneuver through this maze of teenage pressures, activities, sporting activities, dances, relationships, parental pressures, etc. They are doing a good job. I am impressed with all the various kids in and out of our door. The adults of tomorrow have a lot to offer! My youngest is having a tougher time with transition. She is having a tough time deciding who she wants to spend her time with. She is transitioning from sort of “heard mentality” that tends to be middle school aged girls. She is figuring out who she is and she is very purposely taking the time to discover the different things she is interested in. She is bucking against girls telling her who she is spending too much time with or not spending enough time with. It is hard to watch her go through this, but I am proud of her spirit, resolve, and independent spirit.
Mom
Mom is having an increasingly difficult time. Things are getting pretty challenging. Time makes no sense to her anymore, so this process of “moving up here” seems like forever, and like it is never going to happen. It sometimes seems that way to me, so I am sure it is tougher when time and distance only confuse the process. She is misplacing everything…underclothes, jewelry, phones, meds, dog leash, shoes, toothbrush, etc. She is frustrated most of the time. Dad takes her out everyday and says she does fine while they are out, but they get home, she gets angry, and emotional. She is constantly looking for her lost items, that she is positive people are stealing from her. She is angry because she feels crazy, and or that other people think she is crazy. Her fear is that people are going to come and take her without me knowing, and putting her in the “nut- house”. She has all these “conversations” with people that aren’t actually around about their experiences with being “thrown into the nut house.” It’s sad. She and her brother are reestablishing a relationship with one another. I am so grateful. It is making her so happy. They have fought and been on terrible terms with one another for most of their lives. My uncle has been great about picking up the phone and being the one to make the connection. I am so grateful. My cousin and his girlfriend have been amazing also in terms of going over to my parents at a moments notice and acting as a diversion when things are getting really hard and tense. It takes a village!
That is the deal- Where we are at this moment. Life is good. Busy. Exhausting. Full. Hard. Rewarding.img_1254

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July 31…really???

How is this possible? Could a month and a half passed since writing you? Crazy! Time flies! Whether you are having fun or not…gratefully, I am mostly having fun! I love summer. I do. I love it. Lack of schedule, lack of mandatory running around (mostly), swimming, the beach, sleeping in late, road trips, hanging out with your kids all the time, sleepovers. I know some parents are excited for the kids to go back to school, and I am too at times, but mostly, I just love this time together. I feel the changes happening, the shifts occurring, and soon my babies are going to move on, as they are supposed to do. I am not trying to be dramatic, but I AM trying to be present. This summer has not been our typical summer. My oldest has been away for 4 weeks this summer- three consecutively. We have been trying to sell our home, lots of cleaning up and lots of showings, as well as preparing to move into our new home. We picked our son up from the course he was taking at Emory University, and then proceeded to do our son’s college tour from there. It was so great having him back and having all of my people in the car with me. Lots of conversation, restaurants, different playlists from different kids, and lots of cool destinations. We have a better handle now on what we are looking for in re:to schools, and re: what won’t serve our son so well. It was a great trip, and we are glad to now be home.
My middle babe turned 15 yesterday. What is that about! It is crazy that this can be true. But it is. She is gorgeous inside and out and I am grateful she is my baby. We had about 15 of her friends over yesterday beginning at 4 to swim, have a cook out, they played giant yard Jenga, had a water balloon fight, made s’mores, and watched an outdoor movie while hanging out in the pool. It was a great evening. Her friends are just as nice as she is…and we are so grateful. They were so thoughtful in their gift giving, it was awesome to see her open up truly thoughtful presents. She is so thoughtful in her gift giving, and it was nice those sentiments returned. This was our first coed party too, mind you. But they truly enjoyed one another. Initially, it was awkward like a middle school dance – boys on one side, girls on the other, but then our pastor and his family arrived, to have their 5 year old little girl give Grace the gift she bought her. That little girl wrangled all those boys up and girls and had them all eating out of her hands at the same time! The boys were sweet to her and were high fiving her and letting her put flash tattoos all over them. By the end of the visit with our pastor and his family, all the boys and girls were swimming together, playing games together, having water balloon fights, etc. It was adoreable! It also really showed the true nature of all of these 15 & 16 year old kids. They were tender and sweet and not too cool to be nice to a couple of adorable little kids.
Mom is still mom. She is consistently loosing things, obsessing about them for a few weeks, and then finding them. She and dad are busy filling their days with movies, and the theatre, and lots of tacos from San Julians in Ft. Myers! We talk nearly daily and she is sweet and funny. My dad has been taking her for trips to get her nails done, her hair done, or a massage. It is making him happy to do this for her and it also buys him a little alone time I think. The other day they called me and she had just come back from getting her hair cut and colored along with a manicure. I asked her to tell me about it and she said she was really happy with everything but they did a terrible job on her toes. She said she was going to go back in tomorrow and have them redo them because they looked terrible. Meanwhile, in the background my dad says” they didn’t do your toes today…they did your hair and your fingernails.” She said…”Oooh, really? Hmm. Well, I am going to go back there and have them fix them up anyway, they look terrible.” Bless her heart. I am not sure where they are still re: the new house. If nothing else, we are providing an option for them. It doesn’t appear as though my dad is on the same page as us, still. We will see. I think this will change, but in the meantime, I will not say anything except that it will be there for them should they need it. We are creating an option.
My brother and I texted recently. That is unusual, but not entirely unpleasant. He let me know through text that he and his family have moved to New Hampshire. Hmm. They needed a change. Ok. He wrote to give me his new number. Near the end of our text exchange, he asked about my mom. Asked how she was. She would feel very betrayed if I were to give up her personal info to someone who she feels has abandoned her so I simply said that she was well, but that life is tougher these days, than in days past. He stated that he has written them countless letters, sent them photos, and his various addresses, but they never get in touch with him. He said he feels they are screening his calls to because he hasn’t been able to reach them.
If my parents knew how to use their phones or technology, I might see his point of view, but my parents went to Mexico in April, and my dad just 3 days ago figured out how to turn off airplane mode!!! Again…bless his heart! They are trying. For this I am grateful. All I could say to my sibling was, I am sorry that you all are in this place. I left it at that. I am done having this discussion. He is too obviously. He said that he is done reaching out to them. I hope his son looks at life with a little more love and humility, and doesn’t do to his parents what my sibling has done to my parents. My parents will never get over the heart ache, I don’t believe. Especially my mom. He was her everything. Having said that, Oh well, not my bed & I won’t be sleeping in it. I will love her through it though, and try not to say anything bad or negative about anyone either. I choose to Love them all right where they are.

Quite a nutshell right? I think this is all my norm. I do not think that things will ever settle, just shift. We shall see. Once again, I am grateful. God is good to me and the people I love and those around me. Please keep us in your prayers to sell this beautiful house so that we can move into the next one with a sense of peace and tranquility. We close on August 31 – a month from today. Hard to believe. Onward and upward!
Peace, Love and Light.

Momma’s sad June 14, 2016

Hi friends. It is Tuesday afternoon, summer has begun, as evidenced by the 100 degree days, the laying around, the constant gathering of friends, the endless sleepovers. My children have rediscovered the Wii. How funny is that!?! They haven’t played the Wii in years. My daughter was excited a few hours ago that Hagrid, from Harry Potter, was on her baseball team. Funny. My son is a camp counselor currently and I feel like that is a super place for him to be. The world has gone crazy yet again, with a massacre shooting in Orlando -my back yard. I feel so sad that this is where we are in the world today. I have decided though, that all I have control of is what I say and do, and I am not going to put a bunch of negative stuff out there. I am tired of talking about things like this. I am tired of having no control over this type of stuff. I am tired of losing beautiful people for no reason. None. I support religion, organized and nonconventional, I support your right to speech, your preference on who you want to love and marry, if you choose to marry. I support your right to decide what happens within your own body, I do also believe then you have to take responsibility when things happen to your body due to the habits you have, the drugs you intake, the sex you have, the cigarettes you smoke. I think we all need to start taking more responsibility for what we all say and do. And finally, I think we need to be nice. Period. Nice. Kind. Show love – to people we know and whom we have never met. Despite who they love, or if they go to church, what kind of clothes they wear, or whatever. I am not sure why we need to own automatic weapons. I get that people don’t want their second amendment rights taken away, but can’t we just agree that no good comes from a crazy person with an automatic weapon…ever! Are we supposed to put TSA type people everywhere to monitor metal detectors? Can we not go to the movies without being scared, or to the library, or to buy an ice cream? When is enough, enough. I do not want to live my life afraid. I don’t want my kids to be afraid. I want to travel, I want my kids to feel safe at school, and abroad, and hanging out with their friends. I feel sad about this whole new level of hate, and political correctness, and disingenuousness, and fear. I don’t want people to feel like they have to be political correct based on what someone might say to us, but because if it is said with a mean spirt or mal-intent, then it shouldn’t be said. No more about that. It just feels like there is no end in sight, and our political candidates I don’t believe speak for the majority of the people. It seems futile.

Anyway, lets talk about Momma. I have been trying to touch base with her daily. She tells my dad that she thinks I have forgotten about her if I don’t speak with her daily. I sometimes call her up to 5 times daily, on all the phones, but no one answers. Bless her heart though, she doesn’t know how to tell if I called, she just knows we haven’t spoken, and she has lost the sense of time. This causes great confusion, anxiety and depression for my mom, as one hour = one day=one month=years. We spoke today and she told me she was really depressed. She has realized she hasn’t done laundry in a while – she was overwhelmed by all there was to do. She went to stick a load in the machine – and she had forgotten how to use it. She did the best she could, she said, to load the washer and eventually the dryer, but isn’t sure if she did it right. She hoped she didn’t break her appliances. Bless her heart. She told me she wanted to move, I reminded her she was moving, up here with me. She was so excited. Then, she sheepishly asked if I was moving her to my basement. Funny enough, I haven’t had a basement since I was a child and lived up north, but the house we are buying – has a basement – so she remembered that. I told her of course she wasn’t moving into my basement, that she was going to have a beautiful new home of her own approximately 200 feet away from my house. She screamed, she was so happy. She asked again if I was sure we weren’t putting her where we might put canned goods in the cellar…:( I assured her that no. That was not now, nor would it ever be, the plan. I told her we could get some new furniture to fit in her new house, or pots and pans, whatever she needed, and she could leave the other stuff back home, and she could use it when she vacationed there. It would be her “vacation home”. Again, she squealed with delight, as I had just solved a huge dilemma for her. This isn’t the first time we have spoken of these things, but it is the first time it sunk in. She kept telling me how smart I was. ***sigh*** She is so excited to take the kids to school with me, and pick oranges, and can jams and jellies, and watch my kids grow. Oh, …and she wants us to throw some parties… because we are “party girls” she said. Bless her. Yes we are. We come from a long line of people that like to have fun, and celebrate life. That is what we will do. Anyway. Just so you know, I won’t be keeping my mom in the basement…and we will be having parties! I am blessed. She still knows who I am, and we still have joy. Life is good. This is something I can control – how I view the time I have with my momma.
Peace and happiness to you all on this hot, hot, Tuesday!

June 1, 2016

Good morning! I am still here. Life is crazy as always. I don’t believe that will ever change! I think when we are done with one particular thing, it just gets replaced with something else. It’s all good. I am not complaining. So, I currently have 3 painters at my current house. I think they are amazing…such ethic and integrity. AAA Master Painting. Anyhow. My house is all kinds of torn up as my daughter’s bedroom, 3 hallways, kitchen, living room, dining room and mud room are stages of being painted. The guys also tore down paper from my bathroom, and are getting ready to paint that. Pretty much all of my stuff is floating in the middle of every room! Landscapers are coming shortly to take a look at our plan again, and we start that this upcoming week. Whomever moves here, is going to be set. Beautiful landscaping, beautiful quality paint, crisp clean spaces, and a beautiful neighborhood. It is so bittersweet. I am now excited and anxious as there is so much to do. Everything costs so much money. At my core, I’m still a poor kid whose parents are struggling to make it. I am not sure that ever changes. I am generally quite frugal. Anyway. We are working towards our closing date of August 31. Our new house is gorgeous and it is turn key. It is not to my taste decor wise, but that is the fun in getting into something new (or old in this matter). We just had our home inspection at the new house. Those poor guys were crawling around in attics and crawl spaces for 8 hours! They were amazing! Overall, it was a good report. There of course is “stuff” we need to deal with as the house is 80 plus years old. But is super manageable.
It is graduation time here. So exciting! Many of our family friends are graduating. We have one more year until my oldest graduates, gratefully. We attended several parties this past weekend and there are still a few more in the near future. I remember this time. Don’t you? Everything seemed so new and fresh. Scary too. So many unknowns…what will you study, where, how will you pay for it all, friends leaving, leaving your home and your family, should you travel first, the status of your current relationships. So much. But it is so exciting too. The world is open to you. Anything and everything is a possibility. Anyway. I digress! ūüôā
So my folks were just here this weekend. My dad was insistent, which is super interesting as my dad never really wants to “visit”. Not often anyway. He said he needed to talk and tell me about was has been happening. He has been on a vacation for one month (post office), and he took my mom to Mexico to visit her family. She described it as so fun, really great, etc. My dad told me stories that I am embarrassed to repeat. My mother acted like a defiant 2 year old. She acted very badly and did some pretty awful things. I can’t help but feel embarrassed, even though I am aware that she has lost her ability to have judgement and logic. I keep thinking she isn’t “bad” yet in re: to her dementia, but it is actually getting pretty bad. It makes me sad for her and my dad. I am sad for me too. She asked me in private the other day, very quietly if the man in the other room was actually my real dad. I said that yes he was. She said that he is very nice to her, and she likes him, but she doesn’t think he is my real dad. She didn’t want me to share this with him. I didn’t. Many times, she thinks he is my brother. She mostly refers to him as my brother. My sweet momma. She misses my brother. He chooses not to have anything to do with any of us at this point. So sad for him. My sister in law contacted my middle daughter recently and let her know that they were moving at the end of this school year again. That is how they communicate with us. Through my middle child – their favorite of my children?!? Weird. Anyway. Enough about things I can’t control, and don’t have time or energy to think about.
I went to the dentist yesterday to have 2 teeth filled. Normal, no big deal. I have a really high pain tolerance – always have. I couldn’t unfurl my hands yesterday, I couldn’t “relax” if you will. Transference is my gift – it is how I am able to get through this crazy life of mine at times, but I could not do it yesterday. My sweet dentist (who has earned my business for life), asked me if I was alright. I said yes, no worries, keep going. He asked me if I was feeling any pain, I said no. No worries, keep going. He asked me again a few minutes later if I was sure I was ok. I told him I was feeling really anxious, He said no worries, he gave me a shot to calm me down, and then after my procedure, he had 2 of his staff bring me home. Isn’t that amazing? I love quality people who truly care about others. I want to be surrounded by people like this. I am actually surrounded by people like this. God is so good to me and my family. I am blessed.
It continues. It all continues. Packing, moving, painting, planting, celebrating the end of the year, the end of sports with friends and teammates, the end of plays with cast members, the end of sweet high school times with friends that are moving on. The end of some semblance of sanity and the beginnings of a life where people take care of you almost solely- speaking of my momma of course. We rejoice though, as there is a time for everything.

sweet Lionessess!
sweet Lionessess!

The next class of IB seniors!
The next class of IB seniors!
Momma and Paigy
Momma and Paigy
BFF's graduation party
BFF’s graduation party
Paigy and her Pop
Paigy and her Pop
"I'm your favorite cousin"
“I’m your favorite cousin”
Nana and Lily
Nana and Lily
Joe's Graduation party
Joe’s Graduation party
Chaos
Chaos
Painters paradise
Painters paradise

Cinco de Mayo!

Good morning friends! Has it really been a month since I have been on here! Yikes! Time flies. I guess I really needed some down time! Ha! Anyway, today is a quick post as I have been working in my husband’s office for the last 3 weeks. It is part time, and they were swamped. It is all good and has been a good change of pace. Funny how doing something out of your ordinary can really help you appreciate your ordinary! Right? Suddenly, I really miss yoga, making beautiful breakfasts, having time to plan various things out, make meals for my family. It also makes you better at planning your time. I know I need to do all of the above, I just don’t have all day, and some stuff, I haven’t fit in yet. All good. Speaking of beautiful and quick breakfasts, I had one of my faves. An avocado smash. Yum. Toast bread, some sort of spread – mine was a lemon mayo type spread, you smash 1/2 an avocado between 2 pieces of toast and lightly sprinkle some sort of salt. Mine was a veggie herb salt…Ugh, so delish!
Anyway. I digress.
Life has been good, kids are wrapping up school. Lots of homework, testing, papers, dioramas, reports, field trips, etc. We are also wrapping up sports. One more volleyball tournament and we are done for the season. It has been a LONG season! and EXPENSIVE! Dear Jesus. This was never an option for me growing up. My parents couldn’t commit to dropping me off and picking me up from a practice, much less spending every weekend away in a different city paying for hotels, food, parking and a sweatshirt from every event. Yikes!Times sure have changed. I am happy that she is having this experience, but I am quite aware of how different our upbringings are, and both are good, just different. Anyway. My youngest just went to Disney on a field trip with her entire 5th grade class. What a treat and luxury. Having grown up in Pennsylvania and Minnesota, that would have been unbelievably amazing! Here in Florida, it is another day! So cool that this a floridians reality. Anyway. It was the hottest day of the year so far…ugh. I am one of those really ugly sweaters… I don’t glisten or glow. I am like a 12 year old boy in PE class. Man, did I sweat! It was a blast though, and fun to experience with a bunch of 11 year old girls. How cool to be able to go to Disney with all your best buds! Grateful.
Mom and Dad update. They are currently in Mexico – Guadalajara. It was a calamity getting them there, maybe I’ll tell you about it later! They are there now though and having a blast. My mom is enjoying time with her niece who we call La Nena (the girl). That is in total how i know her. If I were to have to find my parents, the only info I have is that she is staying with “the girl”. Oh my! I’m sure the authorities could assist me in finding them with that information, right? Haha. Anyway. Mom is confused, but having a great time. I am glad for them. She has learned how to use WhatsApp, which is hysterical really. I am glad Nena has showed her how to use it, although, she keeps calling my husband thinking its me she is calling and leaving super weird random messages. She also called me thinking I was her cousin, and left a LONG rambling message to her. Oh my. Technology and dementia. Yikes! What a combination! Anyway. Chat more later, I am going to be late if I don’t pull myself together. The boss might not be happy! ūüėČ
Chow for now!

Momma & Pop

Feeling heavy today. (Monday when I began this post…now it is Wednesday) Today is my first day with no one around in 2 weeks. I am definitely a person who needs quite and down time, and although I have it today, I am processing, and the quiet seems almost deafening. I appreciate it though, and am re-accustoming myself to the quiet. The beginning of mom being here was tough…getting used to her non-schedule, constant talking, wandering constantly, mumbling, etc. It’s strange having another presence in your house in general, I think. But after a bit, it was normal-ish. She misses my dad so much when they aren’t together. She blames him unabashedly too for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong, is missing, or doesn’t work. Bless his heart. Pop was thrilled to have had some time to himself to work on his yard. He is a gardner. He loves cactus and various exotic trees. He mulched, and cleaned up, and pruned back and enjoyed some alone time being grounded in the dirt. He came up Saturday night, and he was tired. He had worked beginning at 1 am at the post office on Sanibel Island. He worked until 11, came home, grabbed his stuff, a bite to eat, then headed this way. We vegged a bit, ate dinner, then went downtown for a bit to hear my sweet surrogate(ish) daughter sing at restaurant, then headed to our local brewery where we welcomed home our sweet friend and singer Mic the Prophet. Deland was hopping this night as there was a Fireman Pub Crawl going on and the town was just out. The local farmers market was just wrapping up, and an author Peter Rollins was in town giving a talk. My parents had a great time, meeting new friends, enjoying the local brews, and listening to some great music. We came home and passed out…we were all exhausted! The next morning, we had coffee on the porch and watched the gorgeous morning unfold as the hummingbirds were eating at my porch, cardinals were talking to one another, and some noisy crows were building their next in my mother in laws tree. It was sunny, breezy and cool, and the type of day that we as Floridians live for. We helped mom pack up after breakfast, got her bike in dad’s truck and headed for the house we were looking at, to see if was a good fit for everyone. My girls hadn’t been inside yet, and neither had my parents. My parents thought the bungalow was too small (808 square feet) and later I found out too dark. I truly feel it would have been perfect for them, but dad just wasn’t ready to pull the trigger. I feel disappointed because I feel like he made a poor decision based on him, not her, but I also realize, it is THEIR lives. They have to be happy. I am disappointed and relieved at the same time. Interestingly enough, the kids all said the same thing. They said they were getting used to the idea of moving and being in a new house, near their grandparents, and they were disappointed it wasn’t going to happen. I appreciate their flexibility on all of this and their willingness to take on something so major. They showed true love, support, and empathy. And my sweet husband…there are no words to express the love and gratitude I feel for him. Thanks Babe. So, we are carrying on with our plans here at home, and continuing with our building plans as we had begun this process several months ago, paused, and are restarting. I have broached the issue of mom’s long term care and the ideas of caregivers while dad is at work again and we are moving towards that again – dad and I. I feel at peace with what has transpired, and sad because I think she will decompensate quickly with no support down there, and with a lot of time on her own for her mind to wander. Ultimately, they are a team, a couple, and they will figure out their journey, and I will be here to continue to support them. For now, I am relishing the quiet, the sunshine, sweet friends who have come out of the woodwork to support me on my journey, coffee on the porch in the morning, and wine on the porch at night. I am grateful for my family, friends, and my faith. God is good.IMG_4568

Momma

Hey friends. ¬†It’s me Tash. I am currently enjoying a small break at Bahamma Breeze in Daytona as I wait for the 6 volleyball players that I just dropped off at their practice. ¬†I have 4 hours u til I need to pick them all up. ¬† Monday’s are my night to drop off and pick up. ¬†I love hearing these girls laugh, sing chit chat about the events of their days and the various people on their lives. ¬†I feel blessed to get a glimpse into their world. ¬†I can’t believe it’s been so long since I was 15, chit chatting with my “girls”. ¬†It is fun to watch how things really, actually never change ! ¬†It’s still fun to show off your dance moves, sing at the top of your lungs, listen to the latest tunes and chat about people that you are interested in, or who annoy you.? ¬†I feel priveleged to ¬†get to watch this right of passage happen to all these amazing young ladies.

Meanwhile, another right of passage is happening, mine I think. I left my kids during their spring break to assist my parents with this next phase of dementia. ¬†My mom is misplacing most of her important ¬†documents and jewelry and pretty much anything else. ¬†She is aware they are bring misplaced, and sometimes she recognizes she misplaced…whatever, but she also feels people are hiding things from her, or stealing from her, or giving her super special, personal items away. ¬†My dad is elevating status wise in my eyes from a fairly narcissistic person to a fairly patient and kind care-giver…I never thought I’d see the day. ¬†I’m so proud of him.

I spent 3 days going through mom’s closets, my old room, the dining room, living room and searching under drawers, lamp base, ¬†under her collection of Baby dolls and whatever else. ¬†In the end, my dad and I found her purse, passports, ID’s, insurances cards, LOTS of Jewelery…some costume, and some fine jewelry. ¬†I threw away hundreds of empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and various other vessels. ¬†We also met with a social worker and discussed some necessary topics as well as some options. ¬†We adopted some of those recommendations while I was there too. I brought my mom home with me for Easter and I’m grateful, but tired. ¬†My dad is getting some much needed respite-and I’m glad. ¬†He asked me today if I’d watch after her for an additional week, and I kindly declined. ¬†I feel a bit bad about that, but I feel like I have to keep pushing back my own stuff to assist all the various parents. ¬†My mom is full time and I still have 3 kids. Our other thing we have going that we are putting on hold, is an art studio. ¬†We are nearly ready to build. ¬†We have the plans, the surveys the various people in place, and we just stopped ( partly due to the contractor taking liberties with our time) but also because my mom really is declining rapidly, and I think some of this can be slowed down with more interaction with friends and family. ¬†We are considering selling our beautiful home and buying a property that is larger with a 2/1 bungalow on it, so that my mother can live more fully with and near us and her friends, and our nearby Hispanic community. ¬†My dad will have to have some skin in this game, ultimately, this is “their life”. Their existence. ¬†I am able to make things better, but we are going to have to figure out boundaries, and how we are able to support each other. ¬†I’m confused at this minute. ¬†I love my folks. ¬†I adore my mom. ¬†I’m just not sure if this is me still giving too much, or if you just “do” these things for your mom. ¬†I know for a fact she would do this for me, my dad…ehhh, I am positive he wouldn’t. ¬†But this is about my mom. ¬†Hmm? ¬†I’m going to tell you, the house we are looking at is amazing. ¬†It’s a historic home. ¬†5 bedrooms 3 baths. ¬†There is a seperate house on the property that is small ish for my folks, but super doable. ¬†There is an orange grove on the property and it’s fully fenced in…oh yeah, and it has an art studio on the property…I forgot to mention that! ¬†With all of that, I’m still not sure I want to move,or that my dad is as invested as I am. ¬†It just makes me sad to think he wouldn’t be. ¬†Btw, my husband (who’s a Saint) is the one who suggested all of this! ¬†I don’t know how I attracted this Godly man. ¬†I’m grateful I did though. ¬†Thoughts? ¬†I’m a little stuck-ish. ¬†Especially today as I’m a little overwhelmed. ¬†Sigh* ¬† Thanks for listening friends.

Tash

March16, 2016

Hi. ¬†So, it’s Wednesday already??? How is this possible? ¬†Time sure does zip on by doesn’t it? ¬†My kids are on spring break as of this Thursday after school.Hard to believe, it was just Christmas! ¬†We have been tossing around what to do for break. ¬†Don’t you feel like we as parents are currently fostering an attitude or entitlement that we must always be “doing something”? ¬†I get tired of always doing something. ¬†Sometimes I want to do nothing – at my house! ¬†I want to wake up late, read books, watch movies until late, drink cocktails by the pool with other moms while my kids swim and hang out with their friends. ¬†I think this sounds like a pretty good life. I am not sure if we just have more money than our parents had, or if we are ¬†more frivolous with our money, but I just don’t feel like my parents “entertained” my brother and I the way we “entertain” our kids. ¬†I feel like they were definitely around, and watching us, they sometimes played with us, but Spring break just meant it was Easter, and that meant church, and Easter baskets, and painted eggs, ¬†and going to your aunts’ houses for Easter dinner and such. ¬†Weird how in 25 years, Spring Break¬†means we need to stay in various hotels, go to the beach, take our kids out to eat, or to the movies, or whatever, but it also might include handfuls of teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I love vacationing with my kids, I love the beach, and movies, and their friends for that matter, it just seems like we need to be moving and “doing” ALL THE TIME!

We had a little “Come to Jesus” meeting at our house last night. ¬†Never good. ¬†There is never a good time either. ¬†Who wants to be the wet blanket on the fun? ¬†Not me! ¬†And let’s face it, it is ALWAYS ME! ¬†I have 3 beautiful, amazing, talented kids who are involved in all sorts of stuff, which is awesome. ¬† The issue is that I run around like crazy getting them places, and their friends, paying for all their whatevers, feeding everyone, but at the end of the night, no one can give me a few minutes of their time to assist in the chores that are already theirs, and undone. ¬†They sing, “I have so much work to do, I’m in the middle of …whatever, I don’t feel well, That’s not my job, It’s (fill in the blank) turn to do that, I have been going all day, I’m exhausted, & the favorite -it’s not fair.” ¬†So yesterday, I prepared a list that wasn’t to be put off, that needed attention now and it wasn’t up for discussion. Car washes were included in this list, trash removal and recycling, bathrooms, laundry, bedrooms, vacuuming, and cleaning out the “empties” in the pantry. ¬†We were met with understanding, irritance, some tears, anger, attitude, indifference, ¬†and a little insolence. ¬†My son (whom I love and adore)said, “I’m at church a lot, I just think it is funny that you are making me feel bad about that.” ¬†My response was “and I am so glad, but you still have things you are responsible for around here, so I don’t care if you are assisting the blind, you’ll have to do it after you have made time for your family and your chores.” ¬†I was the same type of kid. ¬†I remember being super involved with my youth group and feeling like I was glad to be out of my house, and I was “helping” others. ¬†I wasn’t bothering anyone, so what was the big deal. ¬†Why was I getting in trouble for doing “good things”? ¬†Well, I get it now Mom and Dad. ¬†Sorry! In a year, my child will be in process of leaving my home. ¬†I know that when I left, I never returned home in any similar capacity. ¬†My parents did a good job, I am responsible, caring, I know how to feed myself, take care of myself, financially and otherwise, I have a huge ability to forgive and to love. ¬†I see good in others. ¬†My son is my spitting image. ¬†***sigh***It’s a good thing, it just is.

Anyway. I feel blessed these days, broke, but blessed!  We have been living life high on the hog, time to bring it down a little!  I feel thrilled with how far I have come in the last 6 months time.  It is nice to look at things with gratitude and feel happy at the same time.  It feels great to have developed boundaries for myself and others and to respect them myself first before expecting others to respect them.  And lastly, if feels so good to just be kind to myself.  I bought jeans a size larger recently.  That is acknowledgment of the fact that you are ok with where you are, and that you want to feel good, and look good and be comfortable in that exact moment.  That is a big deal.  No one loves me less or thinks less of me because my jeans are bigger!  If they do, that is on them and not me! I am happy, I am good, and I am grateful.

Peace my friends.