Gray day, September 17, 2015

IMG_6742.JPGSo, per last post, I was having a fairly rough go of it.  I have been feeling pretty blue and generally over “it.”  I am in that lethargy phase, where it all just seems like too much.  I decided to give myself one- only one day to wallow in it, and then I would move on.  Let it go, and get back to the business of taking care of everyone else and living my regular life.  So, I watched a movie today – in the middle of the morning…who does that???  Not me…ever!  I did, and it was a good movie.  Aloha, with Rachel McAdams, Emma Stone, and Bradley Cooper.  Total chic flick, but a general feel good movie.  After I was done watching it, I felt like I need to get it together a little bit, (as I am not able to just veg all day in my Jammies) and put some make up on, and clean up a bit, my mom calls me then hangs up??? I call her back and as it turns out, she is having a really bad day. She couldn’t figure out how to properly use her phone.  At first, my thought is “really, even on my really crappy day, my crappy day off, where I am allowing myself a “time-out”, I still have to hear and potentially fix my mom’s bad day???”  I know, that is a bad thought to have. Not kind or merciful or loving.  For sure not going to win me daughter of the year!  I thought it though.  It’s real. I was listening to her, reluctantly at first, because I have already heard all that she is currently telling me, more than once at that.  Sad about her dog, getting old, feeling like he doesn’t have much longer, not knowing how to use their home phones, not knowing how to program the message on their cell phones, dad can’t figure out how to turn up the volume on his cell ringer (he just got his first cell EVER about 3 weeks ago), blah blah dr. appointments, blah blah meds.  She was truly upset, and pinging all over the place, not able to make any sort of sense of any of it.  I started to feel sad for her, for her not being able to take control of her own life, for her feeling of being lost in her own mind, and world and house, and for her feeling like a victim of her own life.  Within a few moments of speaking with her, she apologized for always dumping on me and I said no worries, of course I was here to listen to her and help her however I could. I would always listen to her. This started us out on the most manic series of topics and turned into the most silly fun I have had in days.  It’s so weird to be able to see the silly or fun, out of something that has become so hard, and rarely feels silly and hardly ever fun.   We both needed a laugh. I needed my mom today, to tell her that I was having a really tough time right now, but I don’t feel like I can say that to her anymore.  She has a tough time staying on task, and she also worries so much, she also jumbles up all the facts.  Generally, when I confide a confidence in her, I regret it because I have more to deal with afterwards.  But today, without having to say “I need you”, we were just able to need each other at the same time, and be there for each other, and laugh with each other – like we used to, when the world seemed a little lighter to bare.  I miss my mom, but was grateful to get a glimpse of “her” today.  Silly, goofy, nonsensical mom.  I made her laugh, and forget her woes, and her pains, and we laughed till we cried- in a good way-  and she did the same for me.

Grateful.

Today will be a bit easier to handle I think because of this “reluctant” conversation we had just now.  And tomorrow, I will be stronger and better.

Thanks for listening.

 

September 14, 2015

It’s been an interesting few days.  Some good, some sad.  It’s been raining here for days, and today it seems to have cleared up and it is a little cooler than normal.  This change is a welcomed one and it feels good and refreshing.  Life is moving right along.  Still feeling a bit “shy” if you will.  Still wanting to stay home and be around my family.  I am starting to miss certain people and various friends, so I am beginning to venture out a bit.  I had lunch a week or so ago with a dear friend.  She is one of those people that you can not speak for a long time, and when you do speak or see each other, you are exactly where you left off as though no time has passed.  I love that sort of relationship.  We could chat for hours and days, but generally we get the time period while kids are at school over a long lunch or something.  She is one of those people that really loves her family, her home, being exactly who she is, and is genuinely in love with her husband.  I love being around her!  I feel like I can be exactly who I am around her, and I generally discover that I am also a person who feels blessed and who appreciates their own life.  I do though sometimes feel so battered by the events of my own life.  I am currently feeling that way. I sometimes feel like I am dominating our sweet little lunch as my friend genuinely wants to know what is going on with me and I begin with the list.  And it is a list!!!  I believe genuinely that God isn’t out to “get me” and yet, I am not sure how much I can continue to take.  I don’t want to continue to have this enormous list type conversation with my core friends, and yet, it plagues me right now.  I know I am not so much fun to be around right now.  I feel as though I am changing right now as we speak, and that when all of this is said and done, I am going to be a different person.  I feel as though that has already happened – in part.  The transformation has begun.  I don’t think I will (or am) be the same upbeat, fun, or funny person that I was.  I feel as though I know in my heart that is all just a part of life, growing, changing, constantly morphing into the new version of ones self.  It’s just hard, because I don’t fit into a lot of the older versions of my life.  I have started to outgrow friendships and interests.  I am looking inward a lot more than outward.  I feel like I am alienating myself, and I am not sure if that is the same as depression, or if I am just changing to fit my current situation and the constantly changing and swirling life around me.  Life feels like it has been in so much flux for probably the last 5 years.  I NEVER say “why God, why me”  I don’t ask that question.  I think to myself, why not me?  Life choices, decisions made or not made that influence things, illnesses that we can do nothing about.  All kinds of things have an influence on the lives that we live.  And I do believe God is forever in my daily life.  Talking with me, guiding me.  It all just feels so big.  It feels big, and constant, and like it just doesn’t ease up.

We talked about this in church last night.  We shared in group discussions about when we feel as though there is dissonance in our lives, and when we feel like God is doing something other than what we feel we were “owed” or “promised”.  How we react when there is a disconnect with what we thought was true in our relationship with God.  A group member said that he sometimes feels he needs to retreat into himself, as a way to almost punish God.  Then eventually when he feels a little better, he will rejoin the group.  He said he feels like when he is a “good boy” and feels he does “the right things”  he feels like he has “earned” the …fill in the blank.  An entitlement.  I think most/many of us feel this way.  I do too sometimes.  I am a good person, I take care of others with nothing asked in return, I love freely, I give of my time and service. I try to be non-judgmental and yet, I sometimes feel like I am still being picked on or manipulated on a high level.  Here is the deal though, at the end of the day, I still feel like God loves me, and that he isn’t doing these “things” to me.  I feel like in some universal way, my number has been drawn, and that it is just my turn at this chaos.  I feel like  people are watching to see how I am going to react… some watch in awe, some in horror, and some just to see how I am going to react and handle yet another event.

Some of the sad events lately are that people I know and am close to have been losing loved ones.  My uncle in Mexico, whose family my daughter stayed with this summer, passed away.  It happened quickly, and no one waits around down there.  He was cremated that day, a mass was held that night and for the next several nights.  My sweet friend Kim, lost her husband a few weeks ago to cancer.  He fought for 10 years, and she is feeling tired and devastated, and definitely at a loss without this man that was her best friend, work partner, and husband.  She was so brave when she spoke at his funeral.  I cannot imagine being able to do what she did or to have been able to have gotten out all those loving thoughts and memories.  As a very emotionally sensitive person, this type of stuff (all of this stuff) is so hard, because I tend to be the listener to everyone else.  the shoulder to lean on, and I am grateful for that role, but then I wear it, and have a tough time putting it away.  It resides in me until I figure out what to do with it.  I have been meditating and as part of my practice, I write peoples names down on index cards with their issues or worries next to their names.  I light a candle and say a little prayer as I am writing down my intentions.  When I am done with my intentions, I get quiet and try to listen to God.  I stop speaking, asking, thinking, and try to listen.  I look forward to this quiet time daily and crave it like I crave chocolate!

Anyway!

Ok, logistics.  My son finally got his car replaced this weekend.  Thank God!  It is such a help to have him drive.  My sweet husband (who gets no rest ever!) drove down to Tampa with our son and they finally after many various test drives, car faxes (facts?), and crunching many numbers, agreed on a car.  They bought a 2005 Subaru Outback, and my son is in Heaven!  He is such a little urban hipster!  It is cute to watch him climb into his green wagon, with his plaid shirt on, crutches and cast too.  Livin’ the dream! Ode to being 16 again! I actually wouldn’t want to be 16 again for all the chocolate in the world!  Interesting to watch though.

My car has had its suspension worked on…thank goodness!  Now to replace a battery and get some new tires.  I think the new plan is to trade it in by November.  School is in full swing, volleyball games 2 times a week at least, gymnastics 3 times a week, a meet coming up this weekend, and training for being a Wildlife Youth leader.  Those are my kid’s agendas.  I’m curious if in 5 years we won’t look back and think “How in the world did we get it all done?” Is that what happens? They are amazing though and they sure are doing some cool stuff.  I did not do these types of cool things when I was a teenager.  I’m crazy with these schedules, and yet Im glad my kids don’t have time to be bored, and that they are hanging out with kids that also don’t have time to be bored or in trouble.  It is cool that they are already so good at the various things in their lives.

I’m meeting with a friend for a bit now, we are going to have a glass of wine and whine a bit!  Chat soon.

T