October 21, 2015

Hi friends.  Quick note.  Things are good.  Really good as a matter of fact.  I feel like I am finally getting over the hump of bad juju, and starting to move on to the rest of my life.  I am so grateful.  I have really been concentrating on taking time to think, to evaluate, and to do some goal setting.  It seems a little more abstract than it ever has before, but I am working on peace.  In my surroundings, in my home, in the relationships that I have with various people that are important to me.  I am grateful to report that I am being mindful again, and that I am living life purposely again.  I feel like I was before also, but I have more direction currently, and feel as though I am moving in a forward direction.  One of the coolest things that has happened is that I have really re-engaged with my youngest child and am really enjoying our time together on a daily basis.  I have always loved and adored her, but she is around the most, and is most like me.  We butt heads often.  I am taking time out more often to see the beauty that she offers and the gifts she has and shares.  I appreciate it more.  I am starting to return to myself in that I am beginning to find my purpose again, where as before, it was for the sake of crisis and emergency purposes.  That was the way it was for 2 years.  I am finally figuring out who I am again.  It is uncomfortable at times, and yet super familiar. I look forward to making plans again, and to do things that I want to do vs. the crisis being put on me.  I am not sure that this all makes sense to you.  It has just been really hard getting out of my own head, redrawing boundaries with those I love as to what I am willing to deal with and handle, and learning to nurture myself again.  I used to be really good at that.  I was kind to myself, and I allowed myself to just be.  I long to do that again.  I am getting close.

All are good here.  Better.  My 2 kids are on 2 feet again, cars are up to par and moving again.  My husband is back to work in full force, and one round of sports has happened and is now over.  It is hard to believe October is almost over, and we are heading into the season of Gratefulness.  I am grateful.  I find it hard to believe I have made it through this time period that was so hard.  The hardest time period possibly ever in my life as an adult.  I am thankful, grateful.

Grateful for my online community.  Thank you for being there.  Chat soon.

October 12, 2015 – Change is coming and I am ready

So, hi!  Sorry it’s been a while.  My streak of luck continued for a bit longer if you can believe it.!?  I am not really sure if I believe in Luck actually, but whatever it was it was definitely making my life very difficult.  I am recovering this week as I had my gall bladder removed last Tuesday.  It happened pretty quick.  I had not been feeling great for about a month.  Initially I wasn’t sure if I had overstretched my back muscles, or somehow slept strange to where it was affecting my posture, and the way I was able to hold myself.  I started having pretty severe pain under the right side of my rib cage on my back, and then I was also experiencing some pain above the right side of my pelvis bone.  I went through the regular channels, dr., testing, different type of dr., different type of testing, to a pretty concrete diagnosis.  It was easy to make the decision to remove it as I was suffering a lot, and my gall bladder was quite sick.  I’m so not “that” kind of girl though normally opting for a surgery.  If there were an option like a life style change, exercise or varied diet, I would choose the latter.  I haven’t had surgery since I was in kindergarten and had my tonsils removed.  As far as this goes though, I am grateful as I am no longer in pain, and the recovery has been fairly quick without too much inconvenience to me or my family.  I am going to have to re-learn a few things as I ate sausage yesterday, and thought I would be sick all night long. Ugh…no more sausage.  It may just be early, and I just wasn’t thinking that my body has changed pretty severely in the last week.  I was excited to have the energy to make dinner for the first time in a week.  It was a quick unplanned one too as we got home late after church and a day being out.  I had these in the refrigerator and it seemed quick and easy. oh well.

I am on the mend in general.  I felt as though I were drowning for a while.  It started to feel as though I wouldn’t be able to find my joy again.  I hate to say that, and I know it sounds cliché, but I got so worn down by the car troubles, the accidents, the surgeries, the deaths and illnesses, the various relationships that are difficult in general, and I started to feel so run down.  I have a tendency to get sad and depressed at times.  I am not proud of it, but it is who I am.  I used to be embarrassed by it, but honestly, I have to own it. I think when you feel things really big – for the positive or for someone else, you also feel things really big in the negative and sometimes towards yourself.  I normally feel like I can wait it out and do positive things to make it better.  Read positive things, write positive things, be creative – create, sleep well, stop drinking, surround yourself with positive people.  I had been doing a lot of this stuff, and I was still sinking into an abyss that starts getting really scary.  I stop wanting to leave my house, to hang out with anyone, to talk to anyone.  I don’t know what to create, I literally cannot think of anything to create.  I am sad, and everything seems so darn heavy. Everything.  The big difference between feeling this way now vs. earlier in my life, is I have 3 kids looking up to me, needing me to emote.  To love them, to help them, and to make good choices for our family, so we can all deal with all of this stuff collectively.

I have asked for antidepressants from my doctor probably 3 times in the last 16 years, and I have never filled the script.  I did this time, and I am grateful.  It has all been too much.  I have been so overwhelmed, and scared.  I love the Joy I normally feel, and the extent to which I am able to love, but it was feeling voided and starting to feel so distant.  I am happy to say though, that I feel a return to me.  I am starting to put plans in place again.  I am beginning to want to be around my friends again, and watch movies with my family.  I feel as though I can do whatever is asked of me, and my hope is that as the days pass the Joy returns.  I feel like it is slowly.

Mom is still all over the place, but sometimes all I can do for her is love her and listen to her.  She has undergone a series of sad days.  She realizes after the fact, that she has lost something (repeatedly in this case), blames it on my dad, becomes super angry and accusatory, puts herself in isolation/punishing him at the same time by not allowing him her love or attention.  He surprisingly is kind and understanding and feels like this is just a sad IMG_4568
de-escalation and he misses his wife.  After one or two days, she comes out of it, and is sad that it happened and isn’t sure what comes over her. I feel for both of my parents and know that this is the test of a life time.  Sad to see the diminishing of someone you love.  Sweet mamma.  Sweet Pop.

The weather is changing somewhat.  We are in Florida, so it is definitely gradual and generally it goes from super hot to just hot.  Today the temperatures are in the low 80’s, and it is breezy.  It is beautiful.  Change is coming, and I am ready.