Hi friends. I am writing to you today from a place of gratitude and peace. It is so nice to be able to say that. Aaah. Sigh*** (good sigh!) As you may have been reading, I have been super duper in search of quiet and peace, internally and externally.
I am currently standing in this place. I feel as though maybe its a reward for having searched so hard for so long. I don’t care how long it lasts, I am just so grateful to be here. I have been reading books, and articles, and blogs that fill me up. That help me to fill whole. I may sound like I was really broken, and that may be surprising to those who know me, but I was really feeling broken. I was functioning, and doing, and driving, and listening. But I was also drowning in sadness, and grief. One of the things that my best friend and author, Breńe Brown says (hehe, She doesn’t know she’s my best friend!- I have never met her!) is that you have to decide on the things that you MUST DO without question, so on the days that you feel you can’t do them, you do them anyway without questioning it. And often, the things you must do, are the things that are the most difficult to do…working out, eating healthy, praying, getting quiet, etc. I feel like having carried on- despite not always having the energy, and doing the things you MUST DO, you can sometimes be carried by habit and routine to the next place. That has transpired. I’m glad to see that works. funny, it’s like taking meds. Sometimes, you aren’t sure if they are working, and then you realize you haven’t had a head ache for a few hours or minutes or whatever. Know what I mean?
Let’s chat highlights. I am excited to tell you that I just turned 43 years old on the 23rd. It was a great day. I wanted to mostly be in jammies, I wanted quiet. I had coffee (in my jammies) with my mil. It was nice. She brought me (my husband) my father-in-law’s spelling bee trophy from when he was 16. I love this beautiful relic. It felt nice to have it at my house. My neighbor, who I literally never see, came and had coffee with me. We had decided to meet several nights earlier at the Gratitude party my MIL threw for everyone that was a support to her while she and my father-in-law were going through his health struggles, and then his passing. We just sat and caught up for several hours. Also, so nice. I was supposed to have lunch out with my hubby, but as you can see, I was still in my jammies! He brought home Thai food, and we just chatted and noshed. It was perfect. I spent the rest of the day running around a bit (I had to put real clothes on – ugh, the injustice! :)), but I felt at peace doing it. I also got to sew and paint. Wow, that felt good! I have been redoing vignettes in my house, and I am so happy about it. It feels like me again. It feels like the best place I want to be. My new fave place- again. Both the house and me, myself. Nice.
Beautiful, and sweet friends sent me sweet cards, and dropped off thoughtful gifts, and my family sent me Las Mañanitas through social media. It’s the Mexican version of Happy Birthday. My grandmother on my mom’s side had always lived in Mexico, and she used to call me on my birthday, and play me las mañanitas first thing. It was sweet and made me cry (still)after all these years. My sweet cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents called me, sang to me, and just plain ole’ loved me. I received my normal check in the mail from my dad… 43 dollars… see what happened there? Last year, 42 dollars…etc, etc. It was sweet. All of this commotion, and yet, meanwhile, I received peace. Funny how that works out. Last night, we celebrated with a close circle of friends and family. It was special. I feel very loved. Another set of friends is hosting a dinner for me tonight. I feel overly fussed over, but grateful for the love. Crazy enough (as everything always is in this family),the good times aren’t over. Mark and I are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary together on the 1st of March. We are flying to New York (first time for both of us) for some down time and R&R. We are looking forward to it so much. I am not good at asking for assistance – as I have told you, but my sister in law offered to fly down here and walk in our shoes for several days, which is no small task! So many meals, practices, laundry, pets, etc. She not only offered, but insisted. I am grateful. My husband is the best person I have ever met. I still feel that way after 20 years of marriage. I still think he is gorgeous. I recognize daily, the blessings I was given in him. The 21st was one year since his dad passed away. That was such a strange day for everyone – I’m sure, but speaking solely for myself, it affected me so strangely. I think that there are always so many things at any one given time going on, it is often difficult trying to figure out how I am feeling or what to make of certain things. There is just no time between one thing and the next 10 things. I went to yoga in the morning, feeling like I needed the assistance of a slowing down, an unwind, a deep stretch. I went into it thankful and glad to be there. I cried all the way through it. Isn’t that always the damnedest thing. I didn’t realize what all I was holding back, holding on to. Put me in a restorative or supportive pose, and the tears just flow. I left feeling like I did something to really help myself that day. I teetered all day between happiness, and sadness. Gratefulness and gloominess. But then I sewed, and painted and dzjoozjed (not sure how to spell the way it sounds in my head… seems to have z’s in it though) in my house, and got back to peace.
So here I sit. A balanced peace that I have to keep working to get to, but am thankful I have a say in that at the moment. Crazy is happening all around me, in my family, in the world, everywhere, but restoration is happening too, and today, I am choosing peace. I am having to make conscious choices and decisions as to who I let in to my sacred spaces, and what I will let them bring with them and take away. I get to choose that for me too.
On that note, time to head to a sacred space, full of supporting and loving friends, who are my angels on this earth.