Momma

Hey friends.  It’s me Tash. I am currently enjoying a small break at Bahamma Breeze in Daytona as I wait for the 6 volleyball players that I just dropped off at their practice.  I have 4 hours u til I need to pick them all up.   Monday’s are my night to drop off and pick up.  I love hearing these girls laugh, sing chit chat about the events of their days and the various people on their lives.  I feel blessed to get a glimpse into their world.  I can’t believe it’s been so long since I was 15, chit chatting with my “girls”.  It is fun to watch how things really, actually never change !  It’s still fun to show off your dance moves, sing at the top of your lungs, listen to the latest tunes and chat about people that you are interested in, or who annoy you.?  I feel priveleged to  get to watch this right of passage happen to all these amazing young ladies.

Meanwhile, another right of passage is happening, mine I think. I left my kids during their spring break to assist my parents with this next phase of dementia.  My mom is misplacing most of her important  documents and jewelry and pretty much anything else.  She is aware they are bring misplaced, and sometimes she recognizes she misplaced…whatever, but she also feels people are hiding things from her, or stealing from her, or giving her super special, personal items away.  My dad is elevating status wise in my eyes from a fairly narcissistic person to a fairly patient and kind care-giver…I never thought I’d see the day.  I’m so proud of him.

I spent 3 days going through mom’s closets, my old room, the dining room, living room and searching under drawers, lamp base,  under her collection of Baby dolls and whatever else.  In the end, my dad and I found her purse, passports, ID’s, insurances cards, LOTS of Jewelery…some costume, and some fine jewelry.  I threw away hundreds of empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and various other vessels.  We also met with a social worker and discussed some necessary topics as well as some options.  We adopted some of those recommendations while I was there too. I brought my mom home with me for Easter and I’m grateful, but tired.  My dad is getting some much needed respite-and I’m glad.  He asked me today if I’d watch after her for an additional week, and I kindly declined.  I feel a bit bad about that, but I feel like I have to keep pushing back my own stuff to assist all the various parents.  My mom is full time and I still have 3 kids. Our other thing we have going that we are putting on hold, is an art studio.  We are nearly ready to build.  We have the plans, the surveys the various people in place, and we just stopped ( partly due to the contractor taking liberties with our time) but also because my mom really is declining rapidly, and I think some of this can be slowed down with more interaction with friends and family.  We are considering selling our beautiful home and buying a property that is larger with a 2/1 bungalow on it, so that my mother can live more fully with and near us and her friends, and our nearby Hispanic community.  My dad will have to have some skin in this game, ultimately, this is “their life”. Their existence.  I am able to make things better, but we are going to have to figure out boundaries, and how we are able to support each other.  I’m confused at this minute.  I love my folks.  I adore my mom.  I’m just not sure if this is me still giving too much, or if you just “do” these things for your mom.  I know for a fact she would do this for me, my dad…ehhh, I am positive he wouldn’t.  But this is about my mom.  Hmm?  I’m going to tell you, the house we are looking at is amazing.  It’s a historic home.  5 bedrooms 3 baths.  There is a seperate house on the property that is small ish for my folks, but super doable.  There is an orange grove on the property and it’s fully fenced in…oh yeah, and it has an art studio on the property…I forgot to mention that!  With all of that, I’m still not sure I want to move,or that my dad is as invested as I am.  It just makes me sad to think he wouldn’t be.  Btw, my husband (who’s a Saint) is the one who suggested all of this!  I don’t know how I attracted this Godly man.  I’m grateful I did though.  Thoughts?  I’m a little stuck-ish.  Especially today as I’m a little overwhelmed.  Sigh*   Thanks for listening friends.

Tash

March16, 2016

Hi.  So, it’s Wednesday already??? How is this possible?  Time sure does zip on by doesn’t it?  My kids are on spring break as of this Thursday after school.Hard to believe, it was just Christmas!  We have been tossing around what to do for break.  Don’t you feel like we as parents are currently fostering an attitude or entitlement that we must always be “doing something”?  I get tired of always doing something.  Sometimes I want to do nothing – at my house!  I want to wake up late, read books, watch movies until late, drink cocktails by the pool with other moms while my kids swim and hang out with their friends.  I think this sounds like a pretty good life. I am not sure if we just have more money than our parents had, or if we are  more frivolous with our money, but I just don’t feel like my parents “entertained” my brother and I the way we “entertain” our kids.  I feel like they were definitely around, and watching us, they sometimes played with us, but Spring break just meant it was Easter, and that meant church, and Easter baskets, and painted eggs,  and going to your aunts’ houses for Easter dinner and such.  Weird how in 25 years, Spring Break means we need to stay in various hotels, go to the beach, take our kids out to eat, or to the movies, or whatever, but it also might include handfuls of teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I love vacationing with my kids, I love the beach, and movies, and their friends for that matter, it just seems like we need to be moving and “doing” ALL THE TIME!

We had a little “Come to Jesus” meeting at our house last night.  Never good.  There is never a good time either.  Who wants to be the wet blanket on the fun?  Not me!  And let’s face it, it is ALWAYS ME!  I have 3 beautiful, amazing, talented kids who are involved in all sorts of stuff, which is awesome.   The issue is that I run around like crazy getting them places, and their friends, paying for all their whatevers, feeding everyone, but at the end of the night, no one can give me a few minutes of their time to assist in the chores that are already theirs, and undone.  They sing, “I have so much work to do, I’m in the middle of …whatever, I don’t feel well, That’s not my job, It’s (fill in the blank) turn to do that, I have been going all day, I’m exhausted, & the favorite -it’s not fair.”  So yesterday, I prepared a list that wasn’t to be put off, that needed attention now and it wasn’t up for discussion. Car washes were included in this list, trash removal and recycling, bathrooms, laundry, bedrooms, vacuuming, and cleaning out the “empties” in the pantry.  We were met with understanding, irritance, some tears, anger, attitude, indifference,  and a little insolence.  My son (whom I love and adore)said, “I’m at church a lot, I just think it is funny that you are making me feel bad about that.”  My response was “and I am so glad, but you still have things you are responsible for around here, so I don’t care if you are assisting the blind, you’ll have to do it after you have made time for your family and your chores.”  I was the same type of kid.  I remember being super involved with my youth group and feeling like I was glad to be out of my house, and I was “helping” others.  I wasn’t bothering anyone, so what was the big deal.  Why was I getting in trouble for doing “good things”?  Well, I get it now Mom and Dad.  Sorry! In a year, my child will be in process of leaving my home.  I know that when I left, I never returned home in any similar capacity.  My parents did a good job, I am responsible, caring, I know how to feed myself, take care of myself, financially and otherwise, I have a huge ability to forgive and to love.  I see good in others.  My son is my spitting image.  ***sigh***It’s a good thing, it just is.

Anyway. I feel blessed these days, broke, but blessed!  We have been living life high on the hog, time to bring it down a little!  I feel thrilled with how far I have come in the last 6 months time.  It is nice to look at things with gratitude and feel happy at the same time.  It feels great to have developed boundaries for myself and others and to respect them myself first before expecting others to respect them.  And lastly, if feels so good to just be kind to myself.  I bought jeans a size larger recently.  That is acknowledgment of the fact that you are ok with where you are, and that you want to feel good, and look good and be comfortable in that exact moment.  That is a big deal.  No one loves me less or thinks less of me because my jeans are bigger!  If they do, that is on them and not me! I am happy, I am good, and I am grateful.

Peace my friends.

March 11, 2016

Good morning!  It is a gorgeous day here in sunny Florida.  I think we are getting into the low 80’s, and it just feels like spring – pollen and all!  My husband and I just returned from New York, celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary, and the warmth in Florida is much appreciated!  It is so wonderful leaving for just a bit, and then it is even more wonderful coming home!  Don’t you agree?  Even when you know you have a ton of stuff to do when you get back, or you have major stuff in front of you, extracting yourself from your life once in a while is necessary.

It was so tough to leave…so many deadlines, the kids have all kinds of things going on, work is crazy and demanding, but 20 years!  Wow!  That deserves a pause and proper acknowledgment of a life well lived, despite the insane sometimes!  We have been getting away (as often as possible)for our anniversaries since our 7 year anniversary.  It helps us to remember the reasons we decided to be together in the first place, the things we love(d) about one another, and enables us to build new memories together just the 2 of us.  It is nice that we still really want to be together. We are still romantic towards one another, and despite the ways we have physically changed and developed, we are still very physically and sexually attracted to each other.  Its beautiful.  We walked all over the city, rode the Big Red Bus, the subway & the yellow cabs.  We ate & drank our way through New York, experiencing a culinary experience like no other.  The cocktails were exquisite as well. You almost feel as though you are missing out if you opt for a glass of wine, or go for a beer.  We are not into plays, or musicals, or things of this nature, which puts us in the category of “freaks” in NYC!  But that is ok with us.  One of the highlights of our trip was going to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty.  It is so majestic.  It takes your breath away and makes you feel so proud that we live in this beautiful country.  I didn’t know I would feel so moved, but it was really touching.  I found both of my grandparents names in the ship manifests when they came over from Sweden back in the early 1900’s.  That was really emotional.  It allowed me to sort of see the world from their eyes, not as my grandparents, but as young adults, making a huge decision about the rest of their lives, and changing everything about their lives.  They met here in this country, but were both from Sweden.  I have work to do now, to figure out more of their story.  They were older grandparents when I was born.  My grandfather was 50 when my father was born, so he was nearly 75 when I was born.  I would like to know more about he and my grandmother as children, young adults, and in their courting relationships.

We are home now and back in the swing of things. I have a renewed sense of purpose, strength, and drive.  I am looking forward to all things that I normally have to do.  Some are still really challenging, namely parenting sometimes & dealing with the failing health of parents.  But, I have had a rest, a break, and I can do all this again.  Life is good.  What a nice thing to be able to say and mean.