Momma’s sad June 14, 2016

Hi friends. It is Tuesday afternoon, summer has begun, as evidenced by the 100 degree days, the laying around, the constant gathering of friends, the endless sleepovers. My children have rediscovered the Wii. How funny is that!?! They haven’t played the Wii in years. My daughter was excited a few hours ago that Hagrid, from Harry Potter, was on her baseball team. Funny. My son is a camp counselor currently and I feel like that is a super place for him to be. The world has gone crazy yet again, with a massacre shooting in Orlando -my back yard. I feel so sad that this is where we are in the world today. I have decided though, that all I have control of is what I say and do, and I am not going to put a bunch of negative stuff out there. I am tired of talking about things like this. I am tired of having no control over this type of stuff. I am tired of losing beautiful people for no reason. None. I support religion, organized and nonconventional, I support your right to speech, your preference on who you want to love and marry, if you choose to marry. I support your right to decide what happens within your own body, I do also believe then you have to take responsibility when things happen to your body due to the habits you have, the drugs you intake, the sex you have, the cigarettes you smoke. I think we all need to start taking more responsibility for what we all say and do. And finally, I think we need to be nice. Period. Nice. Kind. Show love – to people we know and whom we have never met. Despite who they love, or if they go to church, what kind of clothes they wear, or whatever. I am not sure why we need to own automatic weapons. I get that people don’t want their second amendment rights taken away, but can’t we just agree that no good comes from a crazy person with an automatic weapon…ever! Are we supposed to put TSA type people everywhere to monitor metal detectors? Can we not go to the movies without being scared, or to the library, or to buy an ice cream? When is enough, enough. I do not want to live my life afraid. I don’t want my kids to be afraid. I want to travel, I want my kids to feel safe at school, and abroad, and hanging out with their friends. I feel sad about this whole new level of hate, and political correctness, and disingenuousness, and fear. I don’t want people to feel like they have to be political correct based on what someone might say to us, but because if it is said with a mean spirt or mal-intent, then it shouldn’t be said. No more about that. It just feels like there is no end in sight, and our political candidates I don’t believe speak for the majority of the people. It seems futile.

Anyway, lets talk about Momma. I have been trying to touch base with her daily. She tells my dad that she thinks I have forgotten about her if I don’t speak with her daily. I sometimes call her up to 5 times daily, on all the phones, but no one answers. Bless her heart though, she doesn’t know how to tell if I called, she just knows we haven’t spoken, and she has lost the sense of time. This causes great confusion, anxiety and depression for my mom, as one hour = one day=one month=years. We spoke today and she told me she was really depressed. She has realized she hasn’t done laundry in a while – she was overwhelmed by all there was to do. She went to stick a load in the machine – and she had forgotten how to use it. She did the best she could, she said, to load the washer and eventually the dryer, but isn’t sure if she did it right. She hoped she didn’t break her appliances. Bless her heart. She told me she wanted to move, I reminded her she was moving, up here with me. She was so excited. Then, she sheepishly asked if I was moving her to my basement. Funny enough, I haven’t had a basement since I was a child and lived up north, but the house we are buying – has a basement – so she remembered that. I told her of course she wasn’t moving into my basement, that she was going to have a beautiful new home of her own approximately 200 feet away from my house. She screamed, she was so happy. She asked again if I was sure we weren’t putting her where we might put canned goods in the cellar…:( I assured her that no. That was not now, nor would it ever be, the plan. I told her we could get some new furniture to fit in her new house, or pots and pans, whatever she needed, and she could leave the other stuff back home, and she could use it when she vacationed there. It would be her “vacation home”. Again, she squealed with delight, as I had just solved a huge dilemma for her. This isn’t the first time we have spoken of these things, but it is the first time it sunk in. She kept telling me how smart I was. ***sigh*** She is so excited to take the kids to school with me, and pick oranges, and can jams and jellies, and watch my kids grow. Oh, …and she wants us to throw some parties… because we are “party girls” she said. Bless her. Yes we are. We come from a long line of people that like to have fun, and celebrate life. That is what we will do. Anyway. Just so you know, I won’t be keeping my mom in the basement…and we will be having parties! I am blessed. She still knows who I am, and we still have joy. Life is good. This is something I can control – how I view the time I have with my momma.
Peace and happiness to you all on this hot, hot, Tuesday!

June 1, 2016

Good morning! I am still here. Life is crazy as always. I don’t believe that will ever change! I think when we are done with one particular thing, it just gets replaced with something else. It’s all good. I am not complaining. So, I currently have 3 painters at my current house. I think they are amazing…such ethic and integrity. AAA Master Painting. Anyhow. My house is all kinds of torn up as my daughter’s bedroom, 3 hallways, kitchen, living room, dining room and mud room are stages of being painted. The guys also tore down paper from my bathroom, and are getting ready to paint that. Pretty much all of my stuff is floating in the middle of every room! Landscapers are coming shortly to take a look at our plan again, and we start that this upcoming week. Whomever moves here, is going to be set. Beautiful landscaping, beautiful quality paint, crisp clean spaces, and a beautiful neighborhood. It is so bittersweet. I am now excited and anxious as there is so much to do. Everything costs so much money. At my core, I’m still a poor kid whose parents are struggling to make it. I am not sure that ever changes. I am generally quite frugal. Anyway. We are working towards our closing date of August 31. Our new house is gorgeous and it is turn key. It is not to my taste decor wise, but that is the fun in getting into something new (or old in this matter). We just had our home inspection at the new house. Those poor guys were crawling around in attics and crawl spaces for 8 hours! They were amazing! Overall, it was a good report. There of course is “stuff” we need to deal with as the house is 80 plus years old. But is super manageable.
It is graduation time here. So exciting! Many of our family friends are graduating. We have one more year until my oldest graduates, gratefully. We attended several parties this past weekend and there are still a few more in the near future. I remember this time. Don’t you? Everything seemed so new and fresh. Scary too. So many unknowns…what will you study, where, how will you pay for it all, friends leaving, leaving your home and your family, should you travel first, the status of your current relationships. So much. But it is so exciting too. The world is open to you. Anything and everything is a possibility. Anyway. I digress! 🙂
So my folks were just here this weekend. My dad was insistent, which is super interesting as my dad never really wants to “visit”. Not often anyway. He said he needed to talk and tell me about was has been happening. He has been on a vacation for one month (post office), and he took my mom to Mexico to visit her family. She described it as so fun, really great, etc. My dad told me stories that I am embarrassed to repeat. My mother acted like a defiant 2 year old. She acted very badly and did some pretty awful things. I can’t help but feel embarrassed, even though I am aware that she has lost her ability to have judgement and logic. I keep thinking she isn’t “bad” yet in re: to her dementia, but it is actually getting pretty bad. It makes me sad for her and my dad. I am sad for me too. She asked me in private the other day, very quietly if the man in the other room was actually my real dad. I said that yes he was. She said that he is very nice to her, and she likes him, but she doesn’t think he is my real dad. She didn’t want me to share this with him. I didn’t. Many times, she thinks he is my brother. She mostly refers to him as my brother. My sweet momma. She misses my brother. He chooses not to have anything to do with any of us at this point. So sad for him. My sister in law contacted my middle daughter recently and let her know that they were moving at the end of this school year again. That is how they communicate with us. Through my middle child – their favorite of my children?!? Weird. Anyway. Enough about things I can’t control, and don’t have time or energy to think about.
I went to the dentist yesterday to have 2 teeth filled. Normal, no big deal. I have a really high pain tolerance – always have. I couldn’t unfurl my hands yesterday, I couldn’t “relax” if you will. Transference is my gift – it is how I am able to get through this crazy life of mine at times, but I could not do it yesterday. My sweet dentist (who has earned my business for life), asked me if I was alright. I said yes, no worries, keep going. He asked me if I was feeling any pain, I said no. No worries, keep going. He asked me again a few minutes later if I was sure I was ok. I told him I was feeling really anxious, He said no worries, he gave me a shot to calm me down, and then after my procedure, he had 2 of his staff bring me home. Isn’t that amazing? I love quality people who truly care about others. I want to be surrounded by people like this. I am actually surrounded by people like this. God is so good to me and my family. I am blessed.
It continues. It all continues. Packing, moving, painting, planting, celebrating the end of the year, the end of sports with friends and teammates, the end of plays with cast members, the end of sweet high school times with friends that are moving on. The end of some semblance of sanity and the beginnings of a life where people take care of you almost solely- speaking of my momma of course. We rejoice though, as there is a time for everything.

sweet Lionessess!
sweet Lionessess!

The next class of IB seniors!
The next class of IB seniors!
Momma and Paigy
Momma and Paigy
BFF's graduation party
BFF’s graduation party
Paigy and her Pop
Paigy and her Pop
"I'm your favorite cousin"
“I’m your favorite cousin”
Nana and Lily
Nana and Lily
Joe's Graduation party
Joe’s Graduation party
Chaos
Chaos
Painters paradise
Painters paradise