January 4, 2018

Happy New Year everyone! Isn’t it amazing to think we are in the year 2018! Do you remember when it was about to be 2000, and there was a mad rush to withdraw all your money because there was going to be a banking glitch and we wouldn’t be able to access our cash? Many thought the world was coming to an end. No one knew what to expect…and here we are 18 years later. I only had one child at the time… he was almost 1 – crazy to think about. I can no longer imagine my life that way. So many things have changed. Many have changed in beautiful ways – ways that have enhanced my life. I have moved several times since then, had 2 additional children, experienced a huge recession, started and left various jobs, lost wonderful, beautiful, important, people. koi’ve made many new friends, experienced chapters and volumes of life’s stories with my forever friends, and lost friends along the way too. I have learned that everyone that comes in and out of your life are not necessarily there forever, but everyone brings you something. They are there for a season, and a purpose. That gives me pause in realizing that you don’t ever really “lose” anyone, but you experience what they are there to bring you, to offer you. I like that version of things. That helps me find peace.
Amazingly, I still feel really blessed. I also feel really stressed, and often times very sad. But, blessed none the less. Momma is still hanging in there. As always, things just keep moving along. December was wonderful, and so sad at the same time. Momma was pretty much out of it the entire month. She slept so much, was very catatonic often, and seemed to be slipping away from us daily. All the while, I was blessed with my young-ens, returning from college, home from school in general, the array of their friends gracing my home with their sweet, young presence. My children were so thoughtful and kind re: being around, helping out with mom, taking her out for jaunts, relieving my dad so that he could have some time to recover from the trauma that was consuming his house, his heart, and his lifelong partner. It was really a beautiful month, and so blue at the same time. They were also so thoughtful in their gift giving. I am a gift giver, I really think about the person I am gifting to, so it is so nice when people do the same for me. The people in my circle, are very thoughtful that way as well, so I was thrilled when my kids put serious thought into gifts that were meaningful, and thoughtful. That was so nice. I am thrilled to be surrounded by such beautiful humans. Truth.
Meanwhile, mom was retreating. She was falling further and further away. Dad was more emotional than ever, crying on the drop of a hat. It all felt so impending. The end…felt so impending. Time continued, things felt grim. Hospice stepped in. She is between a 6 and 7 on the Alzheimer’s scale. 7 is the ending stage on the Alzheimers scale. Mom’s muscles are atrophying somewhat, she is eating 2-4 ounces of food a day, and hadn’t been drinking hardly anything. That has changed a bit this week, but mostly just re: her fluid intake. She also had a full 4 oz. of yogurt today. That was something unusual as of late. So, there we are. Mom is on hospice now, they work on a 6 month schedule. She may have longer than that, and in that case we renew their services. She is now fully incontinent, needs assistance with everything vital, has a difficult time with almost everything, including words, sentences, thoughts, eating, and swallowing. But… as of this week, she isn’t catatonic. Her meds have significantly changed, and she is now, present when awake. Her eyes are open, and she still knows my name. I am grateful for the wonderful, beautiful people that assist her with bathing, offer her patience and grace when speaking with her, and praying with her, and all of my family and friends that bring her (and my family ) food, and fresh fruit juice, and homemade cookies, and visits, and everything else. My life is crazy hard, and confusing, and sad, but it is also so rich, and beautiful, and full. Praise.