Tag Archives: dementia

October 12, 2015 – Change is coming and I am ready

So, hi!  Sorry it’s been a while.  My streak of luck continued for a bit longer if you can believe it.!?  I am not really sure if I believe in Luck actually, but whatever it was it was definitely making my life very difficult.  I am recovering this week as I had my gall bladder removed last Tuesday.  It happened pretty quick.  I had not been feeling great for about a month.  Initially I wasn’t sure if I had overstretched my back muscles, or somehow slept strange to where it was affecting my posture, and the way I was able to hold myself.  I started having pretty severe pain under the right side of my rib cage on my back, and then I was also experiencing some pain above the right side of my pelvis bone.  I went through the regular channels, dr., testing, different type of dr., different type of testing, to a pretty concrete diagnosis.  It was easy to make the decision to remove it as I was suffering a lot, and my gall bladder was quite sick.  I’m so not “that” kind of girl though normally opting for a surgery.  If there were an option like a life style change, exercise or varied diet, I would choose the latter.  I haven’t had surgery since I was in kindergarten and had my tonsils removed.  As far as this goes though, I am grateful as I am no longer in pain, and the recovery has been fairly quick without too much inconvenience to me or my family.  I am going to have to re-learn a few things as I ate sausage yesterday, and thought I would be sick all night long. Ugh…no more sausage.  It may just be early, and I just wasn’t thinking that my body has changed pretty severely in the last week.  I was excited to have the energy to make dinner for the first time in a week.  It was a quick unplanned one too as we got home late after church and a day being out.  I had these in the refrigerator and it seemed quick and easy. oh well.

I am on the mend in general.  I felt as though I were drowning for a while.  It started to feel as though I wouldn’t be able to find my joy again.  I hate to say that, and I know it sounds cliché, but I got so worn down by the car troubles, the accidents, the surgeries, the deaths and illnesses, the various relationships that are difficult in general, and I started to feel so run down.  I have a tendency to get sad and depressed at times.  I am not proud of it, but it is who I am.  I used to be embarrassed by it, but honestly, I have to own it. I think when you feel things really big – for the positive or for someone else, you also feel things really big in the negative and sometimes towards yourself.  I normally feel like I can wait it out and do positive things to make it better.  Read positive things, write positive things, be creative – create, sleep well, stop drinking, surround yourself with positive people.  I had been doing a lot of this stuff, and I was still sinking into an abyss that starts getting really scary.  I stop wanting to leave my house, to hang out with anyone, to talk to anyone.  I don’t know what to create, I literally cannot think of anything to create.  I am sad, and everything seems so darn heavy. Everything.  The big difference between feeling this way now vs. earlier in my life, is I have 3 kids looking up to me, needing me to emote.  To love them, to help them, and to make good choices for our family, so we can all deal with all of this stuff collectively.

I have asked for antidepressants from my doctor probably 3 times in the last 16 years, and I have never filled the script.  I did this time, and I am grateful.  It has all been too much.  I have been so overwhelmed, and scared.  I love the Joy I normally feel, and the extent to which I am able to love, but it was feeling voided and starting to feel so distant.  I am happy to say though, that I feel a return to me.  I am starting to put plans in place again.  I am beginning to want to be around my friends again, and watch movies with my family.  I feel as though I can do whatever is asked of me, and my hope is that as the days pass the Joy returns.  I feel like it is slowly.

Mom is still all over the place, but sometimes all I can do for her is love her and listen to her.  She has undergone a series of sad days.  She realizes after the fact, that she has lost something (repeatedly in this case), blames it on my dad, becomes super angry and accusatory, puts herself in isolation/punishing him at the same time by not allowing him her love or attention.  He surprisingly is kind and understanding and feels like this is just a sad IMG_4568
de-escalation and he misses his wife.  After one or two days, she comes out of it, and is sad that it happened and isn’t sure what comes over her. I feel for both of my parents and know that this is the test of a life time.  Sad to see the diminishing of someone you love.  Sweet mamma.  Sweet Pop.

The weather is changing somewhat.  We are in Florida, so it is definitely gradual and generally it goes from super hot to just hot.  Today the temperatures are in the low 80’s, and it is breezy.  It is beautiful.  Change is coming, and I am ready.

Gray day, September 17, 2015

IMG_6742.JPGSo, per last post, I was having a fairly rough go of it.  I have been feeling pretty blue and generally over “it.”  I am in that lethargy phase, where it all just seems like too much.  I decided to give myself one- only one day to wallow in it, and then I would move on.  Let it go, and get back to the business of taking care of everyone else and living my regular life.  So, I watched a movie today – in the middle of the morning…who does that???  Not me…ever!  I did, and it was a good movie.  Aloha, with Rachel McAdams, Emma Stone, and Bradley Cooper.  Total chic flick, but a general feel good movie.  After I was done watching it, I felt like I need to get it together a little bit, (as I am not able to just veg all day in my Jammies) and put some make up on, and clean up a bit, my mom calls me then hangs up??? I call her back and as it turns out, she is having a really bad day. She couldn’t figure out how to properly use her phone.  At first, my thought is “really, even on my really crappy day, my crappy day off, where I am allowing myself a “time-out”, I still have to hear and potentially fix my mom’s bad day???”  I know, that is a bad thought to have. Not kind or merciful or loving.  For sure not going to win me daughter of the year!  I thought it though.  It’s real. I was listening to her, reluctantly at first, because I have already heard all that she is currently telling me, more than once at that.  Sad about her dog, getting old, feeling like he doesn’t have much longer, not knowing how to use their home phones, not knowing how to program the message on their cell phones, dad can’t figure out how to turn up the volume on his cell ringer (he just got his first cell EVER about 3 weeks ago), blah blah dr. appointments, blah blah meds.  She was truly upset, and pinging all over the place, not able to make any sort of sense of any of it.  I started to feel sad for her, for her not being able to take control of her own life, for her feeling of being lost in her own mind, and world and house, and for her feeling like a victim of her own life.  Within a few moments of speaking with her, she apologized for always dumping on me and I said no worries, of course I was here to listen to her and help her however I could. I would always listen to her. This started us out on the most manic series of topics and turned into the most silly fun I have had in days.  It’s so weird to be able to see the silly or fun, out of something that has become so hard, and rarely feels silly and hardly ever fun.   We both needed a laugh. I needed my mom today, to tell her that I was having a really tough time right now, but I don’t feel like I can say that to her anymore.  She has a tough time staying on task, and she also worries so much, she also jumbles up all the facts.  Generally, when I confide a confidence in her, I regret it because I have more to deal with afterwards.  But today, without having to say “I need you”, we were just able to need each other at the same time, and be there for each other, and laugh with each other – like we used to, when the world seemed a little lighter to bare.  I miss my mom, but was grateful to get a glimpse of “her” today.  Silly, goofy, nonsensical mom.  I made her laugh, and forget her woes, and her pains, and we laughed till we cried- in a good way-  and she did the same for me.

Grateful.

Today will be a bit easier to handle I think because of this “reluctant” conversation we had just now.  And tomorrow, I will be stronger and better.

Thanks for listening.

 

June27, 2015

Ive been delaying watching the movie Still Alice.  I’ve been advised by my friends not to watch it yet.  It was on the que on the way from Orlando to Germany…I avoided it.  Yesterday, at our farewell dinner of our tour, a lovely lady named Alice actually, brought up the movie, quietly, to me.  My mom heard a bit of the conversation and joined in singing the praises of the movie etc.  Obviously , there is so much irony in this as their wasn’t a knowledge as to why this came up.  Also, she was glad to be included in the conversation about a movie she enjoyed.

Spring forward one day.

I watched the movie. Ugh.  So many tears on an airplane.  Gratefully, I’m sitting in the seat directly behind my mom, so she couldn’t see me bawling like a baby.  I’m sure the 2 people next to me think I’m either highly emotional or on my period!  Highly emotional yes.  Period…private.  Anyway.  Wow, that’s all I can think or say.  Wow.  It’s too huge to deal with.  Especially now, on an airplane.  It resonates with my in a big way though especially after the trip we just took.  A lot makes sense, other parts totally haven’t happened.  But wow.  Oh my Gosh.  I feel heartbroken for the future event of some future person.  I can see it.  It is out there still, but I can see it.  I’ve struggled with some of these situations over the last 2 weeks.  The constant questions, repetitive  questions, lack of memory, lack of understanding, empathy, and awareness.  As well as a lack of understanding social cues in public situations.

I can’t and won’t let it ruin our time, but the reality of it makes me so sad.  Grateful to be going home.